Office update edition: Oh My Sweet Geebus

The man behind the music, Mr ESM has been asked to turn his bloody music off.

Now he's left the building.

I'm thinking it ended something like this:

"Mr ESM, we need you to listen to your Emotional Suicidal Music with your headphones on. Staff are threatening to kill or leave."

(Mr ESM) "IF YOU CAN'T ACCEPT ME FOR THE MUSIC THAT SPEAKS FROM MY HEART AND SOUL, THEN I'M NEVER GONNA DANCE AGAIN, MY GUILTY FEET HAVE GOT NO RHYTHM. IM OUTTA HERE. IM GOING TO GO WORK AT HOT POTATOE ON SMITH ST. WHERE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ME."

THE END.

THANK FUCK!

Good morgen

Hello and welcome to the 31st of March 2006.

Wow.

What a fucking crazie month.

What HASN'T happened?!

Anyhoo, the magpie tried to attack me again this morning. There were 7 other people at the 246 Bus Stop and - YOU GUESSED IT! - went straight for me after puffing up and making some weird noise.

Is it courting me perhaps?

Hmmm, anyway....Too early for German Porn.

Mama B is down in the next couple of hours.

I bleached the bathroom so intensely yesterday afternoon, my tiles changed from dark charcoal to grey.

I'm quite excited.

First stop when I get out of here is the Myer Sale. HOT. It's Mama B's birthday on Monday, want to spoil the lady a little....Know what I'm sayin'?

Get her some new Country Road tops....Because if it ain't Country Rd, don't bother.

Go Mama B.

The man is STILL listening to emotional suicide music.

ESM

It's officially a disorder.

You know, I'm glad it's the end of March.

April is the month of change yo'

Rock on yo.

Office update

Work Station music cont'd:

He's still at it!

I have officially heard I'm Never Gonna Dance Again 7 times today.

Enough for anyone to turn.

Alas, I will not. I will stay true to my positive-ity and calm.

But Geeez I'd love to lend him a different cd.

Lets see.....Some Frente? A bit of Accidentally Kelly St wouldn't go astray.

Some Boston or Chicago...Or some band named after an American State? Horse With No Name could wake me out of the psychosis.

Dead Kennedys? Too Drunk To F*CK? I'd like to F*CK his speakers up.

How about some Machine Head? Burn My Eyes.....Burn my ear holes....

Oh Lordy.

He's turning my blog into a work bitch session.
I can't get fired now.

WHO WILL FEED THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN?

HOLD YOUR HORSES! He's changed CDs finally!

Oh no, I think he must have broken up with a boyfriend......Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy whyyyyyy tell me......Annie Lennox

If I never post again it's because I threw my terminal through the window and went after it. Impaling myself on the American Embassy umbrellas.

Oh Lord help me.

Random Lunchtime Post

Hi.

At my desk I can hear rrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooooooM! roooooooooooooom! reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwww!

Grand Prix little men in little grand prix little cars.

It's funny.

I wish they just spelt it Grun Pree.

Hehehe.

In the last hour, I've had my phone stolen, like my work phone - these people stole it from me.

It was all real though. I was rendered phone-less for half an hour.

They've also cranked up the air con, or should I say cranked down the air con to what feels like Christmas Day in Moscow - Oh that was a good year. The year the tips of my ears fell off from frost bite.

I'm now wearin a hoodie with my work clothes. The emergency hoodie. Corporate Sexiness? OUT THA WINDOW YO.

The vocal house man is now back onto George Michael.

We all - and I mean everyone on the floor - just heard I'm never gonna dance again and we are currently listening to that song....something something without the sun going down onnnnnn me......welcome Mr Elton John my "special" uncle.

And also, in the last hour I've started listening to Kulcha. I stopped after skimming through it, but I'm going to force myself to go back in time, back to the 90s, back to suburbia and go thru the motions of Boom Shak Shaka Jam.

Go the italisation in this post.

OMG, I've just got so much to say today. It's almost perplexing isn't it?

Just a quick word on work station music etiquette....

I don't mind if people listen to music at their desks, just as long as it doesn't interfere with my concentration.

Vocal house and George Michael on the highest volume selection available on the computer is a work safety hazard.

If I was the Manager of Operations here, the dude would be sacked.

In fact. I would sack ANYONE who listened to either/or at all in the company.

There would be many vacant seats in this building.

Some would say "jelkie listen to your pod dog." But I'm not in the mood to listen to my pod dog.

I can hear "Eye of the tiger" in the distance. This does not bother me the slightest.

Yesterday, my Manager was listening to some kind of remixed Deltra Goodrem. This also had no affect.

BUT vocal house pains me in a way I could only associate with sticking hot burning pins into my eye sockets, then slowly, ever so slowly into the goita in my throat.

Nevertheless, this has NOT affected my happy day.

THanks and goodbye for now.

Early morning Melbourne Shuffle

(PRONOUNCED SHOE-FLAY)

I awoke from my slumber to the amazing polyphonic sounds of my Samsung. "Deeedo Dadada Da Wee OOooooh Na Nana....." Or something like that yeah?

"Oh, it's that time...." I muttered to myself as I rolled the doona off my sweaty body.

"Dang! I knew I shouldn't of washed the sheets last night AND ate 5 sticks of spring onions...." Will I EVER learn?

You see, last night I ventured to the laundry. First time I've been in the early evening. It was great! It was empty. It was all about jelkie and I loved it.

GRRRRRREAT!

Anyhoo, I washed all my sheets and towels, because as we all know, Mama's coming tomorrow.

And now, because of my foolish woggyness, I fear the sheets will not smell as fresh as they did last night....

Oh well. Sorry about that tangent....God knows I'm full of them.

And so I got out of bed, opened my door to my balconia and stood there. Gazing into the blackness, all the lights of the city were lit up. It looked amazing.

The air was fresh and cool, but I didn't mind.

I knew today was going to be a great day, I could feel it in the air.

Full of fun and excitement.

And so I made my coffee, rolled my cigarette and made my wog sandwich for lunch. DISCLAIMER: (No onions were harmed or used in the making of the sandwich)

I sat down to enjoy my coffee and cigarette, turned the television on....Early morning t.v. doesn't have a lot to be proud of.

Here I am at 5:45am, watching some type of American Today show.

Lucky I was extra positive when I woke up, the American Today show could have all but consumed me.

So I decided to stare at the wall instead.

I like to do this sometimes.

We have a huge wall opposite our floor couch, on it is one of the best canvases I have ever created.

So when I say stare at the wall yo, I mean in the direction of the wall, looking at the painting....Yeah yeah, I know S'Mookie, why didn't I just say that.....? Well woteva.

I sat there for a good 10mins. Taking in all these things that I was picking up.

I farted while I was sitting there too.

You know the early morning fart?

Its great. Makes me sing that John Farnham song "Take the pressure down"...denu denu "Coz I can felt it riding like a fowl"

Or sumsing like that.

Wow, this stories long, better have a great ending hey...hehehe

So I had the shower, got dressed and walked down to my favorite 246 bus stop in the whole wide world.

On my journey down to Johnson St, the morning was still dark. Bits of light were slowly emerging and the air was as fresh as could be.

There weren't many cars on the streets at all.

It was so peaceful and it filled me up with even MORE happiness.

YUM!

So I get to the crossing @ Hoddle St, I'm listening to some tracks I want to play in my up and coming set - And all of a sudden the lights were turning orange. I looked up and saw my bus about to drive off so I did the dash.

Grasshopper legs flapping about frantically, my hair getting all messed up.

The bus began to pull away, so I smacked my leg with the crappy gay paper, which is all about boys anyway (this is probably the reason I had to run - coz I took time to pick the stupid thing up) I smacked it hard yo, and screamed "Picku Maternu!"

The bus suddenly stopped. Crept away, stopped, crept away. You know like when you tease hitch hikers? ha!

But then he stopped properly about 50mtrs from me....So I had to keep running.

I finally reached the bus and the man seemed quite chuffed with himself.

I thanked him, paid him and showed him my gratitude for not driving away, by doing the Melbourne Shuffle for him.

He loved it.

I loved it.

The bus loved it.

246 Rocks My World Yo.

The end.

black hawk DOWN NOW!

OMG
OMG
OMG
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can anyone else out "there" see the black hawk's thundering through our blessed Melbourne air space?

It's bringing back memories of the Mother country.

Oh man.

1, 2, 3, breathe

breathe.

*jelkie emerges from under the desk*

*sighs with relief that we're all still here*

*jelkie looks down at her pants*

*jelkie frowns*

She's peed her pants again.

What the HELL is going on out "there"? Is it D day already

Why wasn't I warned?

I would've worn my Dupond dependables.

BEST soy latte in da world yo!

My morning started off kinda funny.

I woke up feeling a little uneasy, I must be honest.

"But why?" Was the question I begged towards the mornings horizon from my sexy apartments' balcony.

I waited for some time before realising how cold it was in my wonder woman undies and tincy wincy singlet. 12 degrees and shivering, I went back inside to finish off my coffee and watch Sunrise.

Ooooh Koshie. Your a gem aren't ya?!

Anyhoo, Mr trigonometry didn't catch the bus today. First time in the three or four months since I've been frequenting it.

Rahahaharrrrr! Defeat!

Jelkie victorious against the geek! Suck a fart looser!

So I get to work and sit at my computer. Something's still missing.

No magpie attacks, no early morning Johnson St muggings. Nada. Nufin. Nista.

AND THEN.....

I go to the cafe downstairs to see my boyfriends - two little cute Italian boys who call me "gorge" - short for gorgeous, you know....They're only human. They make the BEST SOY LATTE IN THE WORLD - Dash of honey and a smile on ya dial.
AND you can kinda see the ripple of their abbs through their skin tight black tee-shirts....oh yeah. I knew what was missing when I saw that ;0)

Since skulling this coffee, I've been feeling amazing. My void has been filled.

If I could have shot-gunned it, I would have, believe you me.

Tasty.

Creamy.

Puffy.

Full of zest and orgasmic mouth pleasure.

Oh yeah.

Those boys REALLY know how to do it to me @ 9 in the morning.

I CAN'T WAIT to go back again as soon as this hit wears off.

If anyone out there wants a hit, you can get it under the American Embassy on St Kilda Rd. Times Two Cafe.

Just watch out for the Afgani protesters setting fire to American flags.

And be sure not to go via the alley way near The Alfred, the only hit you'll get down that alley is NOT drinkable.

So the story isn't over, it's only just begun.

I sit back at my desk after frolicking for a while - just can't seem to get the motion in ma potion....

All of a sudden everyone's calling my name out.

"Oh my God, Jelkie! Jelkie! Come here - NOW - !"

So I swivel ever so slowly and pick myself up and drag my feet along to the desk where about 8 of my co-workers are standing....

"Hahaha! Look at you!"

It's a photo of me, growling like a tiger, being all sexy and shizzle. The photo's taken about 2 years ago at my desk. I had BIG hair.

I'm realising more and more JUST HOW BIG my hair used to be.

Better still, there was a pimple on my cheek. Still didn't stop the sexy affect though.

The hair certainly did.

Hmmmm. I hope you enjoy the photo.....WRONGTOWN!

A word from our sponsors....Trigonometry

Dear Diary,

Today on the 246 Bus, on my way to work, I experienced an issue.

I was seated in the backwards seat position, you know the one where your forced to stare directly at the people opposite you?

Well, I was there.

Opposite me sat a man who looked a little too committed to his local footy team.

Next to this man sat a girl who I think is from neighbor's, you know Zeek's sister from that Qantas add "I still call Australia home."

Next to me, sat a man who seemed way too fond of trigonometry.

Upon his Crumpler bag, were pages and pages of triangles, oblong and rectangles. Anything with an angle actually, so no squares.

He was busy at ruling up things and calculating.

My stop was approaching.
I voiced to the man kindly, "Excuse me please...." To which the man replied "I'LL MOVE WHEN I CAN!"

I woke up this morning with the biggest smile in my heart and on my face, there was NO WAY I would let this calculating fucker ruin MY morning.

I stood and noticed the doors were about to shut.

I stuck my hand out to catch them, opened my mouth and said: "I hope you have a great day, ARSEHOLE!"

Jelkie = 1
Calculator Fucker = 0

See you tomorrow arsehole.

Height restriction Law passed today 27/03/06

At 9am today, Eastern standard time, the Government announced the decision to divide all Australian's.

For years Height-itains have been lobbying against those classed as the "Shorter Folk", to be deported back to a place where misgivings, such as height are more tolerated - Tasmania.

And it was not just the Height-itians who have been lobbying against those who are classed as being "Too Short", there were also submissions from the Roller Coaster Industry, otherwise known as the RCI and also the Ice Cream Truck Association, otherwise known as the ICRA.

Chairman Alan John Lucifer, from Hell Bent National Roller Coasters is quoted as saying the following: "Never in my lifetime, have I seen the Roller Coaster Industry suffer so greatly as what it is at this point in time. If only we could get rid of those short arses, so they stop inter-breeding with the NORMAL people - therefore causing smaller generations, we're going to have to commence making more kiddie sized Coasters, like the Little Beastie that we constructed at Australia's Wonderland."

Luke Licker Rainbow, CEO of Mr Whippy Mobile Slippy, who is working alongside the Ice Cream Truck Association's plea - And also a former pornography star has published a formal statement in People Magazine: "I have learnt a lot from my past.
Short people are only good for one thing.
The many movies I starred in, with shorter then Normal folk, were indeed fun to make, however, sold poorly because of height restrictions when my co-star was not on his/her knees.
As I emerged from the Pornographic Industry and entered the Mr Whippy Mobile Slippy van franchise I realised that because we can not see our customers, we are in fact loosing up to 45% revenue each financial year.
Let us come together and not allow their inadequacies restrict OUR growth!"

It is believed that the shorter people of Australia, those under the height of 5 '7 will be receiving notification via Australia Post regarding the deportation procedures.

The problem, however, is that the shortest people in Australia are mostly employed by Australia Post. So the Government is considering contracting the runaway Sierra Leone team to hand deliver these notifications.

It is also reported that should the distribution of these notifications prove successful, the Sierra Leone team may stand a chance of being granted a "Holiday" in Naru Detention Facility.

More updates on the story as it unfolds.

Memoirs of a jelkiesha

Now that I am off strike. Did you hear that Supremookie? OFF STRIKE.....I can get to the exciting stories, which REALLY happened on my weekend of crazie crazie madness.

My weekend, was so crazie crazie and full of madness that I spent the night in The Alfred's psych ward, just getting over it.

It all started with a kiss....

Not me kissing anyone, but a drag king blowing me one.

His name was Antonio Banderas and he was hot sexy yo.
Ok, not really, but you know that "omg you are so wrong and funny your hot and sexy yo" thing? Yeah well, he/she had it.

Blah Blah Blah, that was amazing.

I love my friday nights, I do my dj lessons with tha BFF Kristens and then hang or go on adventurals.

On Saturday morning, with an amazing hang over I took pleasure in cleaning out my apartment, as Mama B is coming down for the weekend. EEEEEEEEECK!

Anyway, Saturday night right.....I'm walking down Smith St bout 11pm, have my DON'T FUCK WITH ME face on, suddenly one of the tribes-women out the front of Safeway does the old "Yur goda dola lav?"

Fuck off I do....I decided though, that instead of saying NO! like I do everyday she asks me, I reached into my pocket and found a 10c piece (which I actually needed for my bus ticket today...but woteva...I'm fine with that....grrrrr!) so I get my 10c piece outa my pocket, hold it really tightly up into the air.

There we are, the two of us, standing outside the front of Safeway, both swaying a little...Staring at this 10c piece.

"Here, fine! Take my only coin!"

And she reached up and snatched it when I brought it low enuf for her to reach - as you know I suffer from the tall syndrome. Otherwise known as being normal. Because everyone shorter then 5'7 should be shipped to Tasmania....more on that in a blog to come!

Anyhoo, I was really pissed off right. Because they ALWAYS stand there. AND if you decide to exit through the back stair case, they've got some mates up there who'll role you. I think, I mean I have no proof of that but WOTEVA. FUCK OFF!

GO GET A FUCKING JOB AND GET OFF MY LEG! god dee it!

So then, on Sunday I took myself on a adventure. Thought it would take me half an hour to get to St Kilda Pier. hmpf! 2 hrs later.

I saw a bus crash, a Merc that just ran over some dude and I saw a ton of beached whales.

I got my back and my right cheek sun burnt.

And I drank a tinnie of Melbourne without having to share it with anyone.

It was so beautiful being down there by myself.

Kristen and I have this one spot where we sit on the grass, but you see there's one problem with our spot now....They've rebuilt some ship wreck and placed it right in front of where we sit, so you can only see like a bit of the ocean either side.

But I didn't really care. It was such a beautiful way to end a very confusing week.

I AM going to dance again!

Now, why Natalie Portman EVER had hair is beyond me.

Ah, man. Wow.

(Photos from the V for Vendetta official website)

I'm NEVER gonna dance again....

....Guilty feet have got no rhythm
No I'm never gonna dance again
The way I danced with yoooou ooooh

Yes it's that time again, Monday morning, back at work and geeeez man....WOW.

I don't feel like rambling about my weekend, nor do I feel like bitching about some situation I might have encountered on the way to work or to the Safeway on the weekend.

Woteva.
I'm on strike

BLAH

the fart that never went away

I know many people would be able to relate to this entry.

You know when someone has the farts at work, the silent deadly egg smelling ones?

Yeah, well its gross yeah.

Someone had the farts today. Everywhere I've been today the smell seems to be lingering....It even made me paranoid at one point. But I knew it wasn't me.

So far, it is 12:09pm and the farts have subsided.

Maybe it was just a bout of the morning farts. I'll keep an eye on the progress and report back, if there's anything to report back on.

Poor bugger.

Eewwww, I hope it wasn't an ugly person farting.

I remember when I had the farts a few weeks ago, I let one go at work and it stank like eggs. I got so embarrassed my cheeks went bright red.

You see, I don't like to fart at work, I was ashamed of my slip.

But everyone around me knew straight away, that I was responsible for that particular fart.

Am I running out of stories? No, this is important to me.

Its gross.

It is the worst though, when your on the train/tram/bus in winter, its raining outside....someone ALWAYS does the egg fart.

oh well, back to work.

End of the what again?

I crossed Hoddle St cautiously this morning.

I felt the slight breeze flowing through my handicapped hair and approached the 246 bus stop with the calm and ease of a Yoga Guru.

I looked to the sky, disappointed to not see any hot air balloons floating above me, yet happy that there wasn't a magpie in sight.

I exhaled with relief, finally.....a moments peace.

I arrived at the bus stop a little early, so decided to do the waiting walk. You know, the one where you have your hands in your pockets and look at the ground, look at the sky, walk up, walk down, turn around and start again.....

Who would have thought looking down at the ground could be so threatening for a Thursday morning hung over jelkie.

The beetles were back. Not the beetles with another best of album, but the BEETLES BEETLES....you remember the ones.....all scrambling to enter the car dealer-ship. Trying to get through the cracks?

Yeah, well they were back again and it ain't Christmas Jesus....so I wana know "What the fizzle with the bizzles?"

I hear no response from the Universe, but I feel one coming from the right side of my brain.

Oh, no. False alarm. Hmmmm, how does one work when the spinning is still apparent....?

I think I'm going to ask Doctor Carl about this. I'm confused.

I don't think anyone really appreciates how disgusting the cluster of beetles is!

Imagine it. Go on, I dare you.

Close your eyes and picture a thousand of these (see inset picture) scrambling through cracks.

Hehehe crack.

PS: Jager on Wednesday is not good for you.

PPS: News just out!

The beetle is actually a "DUNG BEETLE"
They eat poo and burrow through it.

Does this mean there is a chamber of poo beneath the car dealer-ship?

I think I should ask them....

Crazie Magpie again?!

Ok, what the hell is going on here?

The bloody Magpie tried to attack me AGAIN today.

Do you think it gave a flying fuck (pardon the pun) about anyone else at the bus stop? NO.

It came straight for me again.

Now is the time to officially declare war on this bird.

No more preserve the wilderness shizzle for me, one less killer magpie is one happy jelkie.

Fuck the bird. It's going down.

I don't think it knows who it's messing with....I am the crazie croatian coconut.

You know what was the funny part in all of this?

Remember that guy that said that magpies don't attack people, they just mess around with them? Yeah, well he was there and laughed at me.

Arsehole.

I'm going to kill that bird. I'm off to the chemist to get me some asprin. So I can feed it to the bird and watch it blow up.

GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

i hurt my head on the weekend so....

I need a brain transplant.

Little Speshial

Don't you think it's weird that every week we are blessed with tv shows and movies that are all about the end of the world and shizzle.

Aliens, Monsters, George Bush Jnr, all over our tv screens....

My point is, in the last two weeks there have been 2 or 3 category 5 tornados in the U.S of Aye bro and now far North Queensland's gonna be hit by one.

Now, if Cameron Daddo's made for television movie, The End of The World Something Something taught me anything....it's that category 6 is the end of the world.

There was also a mini Tsunami in Thailand last week, 7mtr waves....

We are killing our world. Not slowly anymore, but quite rapidly.

All this shizzle makes me sick.

We're all about violence and polluting our Earth.

I'm really farked off that I won't even be able to live my whole life entirely because some c*nt invented petrol and some other c*nt invented nuclear physics....the list goes on....whatever.

I know we are by products and shizzle, and we all contribute to this crap. But this is my blog and I can say whatever the fuck I like.

I try to do what I can to contribute less to the Earth dying. I wish every other fucker did.

Fuck.

PreMan_Women - Adventures of the silly head duo

CraZie crazie one day adventural we don't take prozac unless we've had ten beers

monkey faces are HOT

Its Friday and............

I would just like to commend the company I am currently employed with, for providing such brilliant internet connection.

My social life is almost screwed. How am I to live with my emails being delivered 4 hours after I send them. AND may I add that everyone else is going fine with their inbox's.....so why me?

"Good morning supremookie, how are you?"

"Well thanks jelkie Joe Joe, did you drink last night, its the evening....."

Some say it could be because I've sent and received 50 emails before lunch.....but you know it's not my fault the public love me....and anyway. I do heaps of work. My social life motivates me to perform better in the office.

wank wank.....
yeah right.

Anyhoo.

This is my shit list for the week, coz there are no Jackie is so Wackie updates to report (remember that bitch is dead?!.....I know, I know, I still have to escape...wotever)

SHIT LIST, WEEK ENDING 17/03/06:

- 246 Bus in the afternoon is coming 30mins late everyday & taking 45mins to get to my house from Commercial Rd....not that I work on Commercial Rd...anyway

- Still feeling the effects of the Pork poisoning, cost me one day off work unpaid and rendering me almost completely unable to keep my food down

- Being accused of stinking out the whole side of my building with my Mortadella sandwiches.....this brought back painful childhood memories from the age of 5 - 25.....I can't help it that I need garlic and animal products to survive....go eat a stack of DEVON you tacky non-euros...(is that safe?)

- Lost wasn't on last night, instead they had this farken ridiculous show about the end of the world.
Like yeah! we haven't seen that one before, or heard the story line, or seen the hot chick turn into an alien, or had to vomit on ourselves because the acting's so bad you could have got the guys from the wiggles to do it better -at least they would have gotten a logie for that shit.

- I saw a man fall off his bike this morning and I didn't even laugh.
I'd like to take this moment back because it shites me. I want to be able to walk right up to him lying there in the gutter on Johnson/Hoddle and laugh at him, taunting him about being crap at stuff. Yeah, that would have been nice.

Thank you thank you thank you.

Shit list completed.

Now I will venture on and abroard, enjoying what the weekend has in stall for me.

Tonight its off to the Star to check out the chicks dressed as men.

geeez, is it just me or is my blog getting to sound a little too supremookie?

C-ya wouldn't wanna b-ya

No we are not guilty for the following:

-Breaking fences

-Stealing sake (4ltrs)

-Causing a riot @ karaoke whilst singing "We're not gona take it!...."

-Causing a punch up between skanks wearing WHITE pants *shudders*

-Ripping the tree out of the garden in front of the Marriot?

-Loosing a keg

-Throwing beer bottles @ Detectives

-Drinking pube infested beer

-Throwing the ManCat violently

-Pelting crates down alleys

Who said Specibum & Jelkie even left their homes.....? Maybe I could make a story out of these accusations?

Danger! Beware! Troll Gods are coming...again

I have just received word that a group of hungry Troll Gods are making their way right NOW through the under ground tunnels of the world.

They are coming to Melbourne for the Commonwealth Games. At first I asked the question everyone else asks when they hear of people from different countries or planets, coming to the Commonwealth Games...."Why on earth would you?"

There is NO excuse for people coming abroad, but the Troll Gods have great reason to.

They are coming to abduct Cathy Freeman, and make her their Troll God Goddess.

We must all join forces and combine a strength to deter the Troll Gods from capturing our Cath Cath Cathy.

Please do not take this threat lightly. They do mean business.

Last time they abducted Olivia Newton John's husband because they needed a new admin. assistant....and he is still missing today.

Still not enough to convince you to protect Australia's greatest asset on two legs, dressed in polyester?

The pope did not die. No, he was in a paranoid coma. You see, they drugged him to "seem" like he died, but when they "burried" him he woke up and they shuttle-ported him to their base in the Galaxy and made him their new Hindu God.

So there.

That should be more then enough to convince you.

Good luck.

And Good Bye.

HA! Killer Magpies SUCK IN!

Just a quickie to let you all know that I did not get harassed by Magpies this morning.

They tried but I deflected them with my personal strength!

I taunted them in my mind....I think they heard because they all flew away.

The End - HAVE AN AWESOME WEEKEND!

The Baba Sex Dream Translations cont'd

Good morgen.

I know everyone has been very excited to hear more dream translations by Baba Sex, so brace yourselves.....this dream's a doozie!

Baba Sex: Hulo yis ples?

Jelkie: Baba! good morning princess, how are you answering the phone now?!

Baba Sex: Oh may Goh, Jelkie! Baba sick Jelkie! Baba sick! How yu? How yu Jelkie?

Jelkie: I'm good Baba, you got a sore throat?

Baba Sex: Ye darlink, Baba goda uzmah. Vot u dreami Jelkie?

Jelkie: Oh Baba, I'm sorry you've got asthma. Ummm, I had a bad dream again Baba.

Baba Sex: Ye....

Jelkie: I had a dream that Mama, Mary and Danijela & I were on a bus, on an island or something. We were driving and got off the bus.
All of a sudden the wind started to change and the clouds starting going black.
The clouds started swirling and I was screaming "Hurricane, Tornado, RUN!"
We all started holding on to things because we were at the beach and couldn't hide under anything, the winds came and blew at me but I knew all of us would be safe.
Then, something like an angle grinder came flying around and was blown through the metal of the bus and started chopping limbs off the school children. There was blood and stuff squirting out of them.
It was gross Baba.

Baba Sex: Okai Jelkie Vot kala vorta vos it?

Jelkie: The colour of the water was Blue and Dark Blue Baba.

Baba Sex: Okai iz a gut dream Jelkie. Isa min becourse sum van else bleedink, yu goink tu be okai. De vind stronk bar no hurti you and your frens an Mama, dey all goink tu be alri.
But Jelkie, sum vun gona bi sick. Bi carefuh. Yu no trusti any vun.
Iz a goot luck but jis bi carefuh Jelkie.

Jelkie: Oh Baba thank you! I was scared because it was so yucky it would be bad. I love you Baba thank you!

Baba Sex: Is okai Jelkie. Baba luv yu! Yu come si Baba suuuuun. Baba go shoppink vid Mama tudai. Ai vish vi could go li tree genarayshun. (Everytime we go shopping, my Mother, Baba and I, we always say how awesome it is to go as three generations.....so cute!)

Jelkie: I know Baba soon. I love you have fun with Mama.

Baba Sex: Okai darlink. I call yu tunigh, tell yu vot Mama bought me. Bye darlink. (Baba ALWAYS gets the goods!)

Jelkie: Bye my beautiful Baba.

END OF TRANSMISSION

Weee wee head Wednesday

Good morning and welcome to weee wee head wednesday.

Weee wee head Wednesday was first founded on a hill in the North Of Adelaide in 1824. Yes, it was.

On this day on a hill in the North Of Adelaide a man called Bingaching-Ding-Ding-A-Doo-Doo-Bum pee'd upside down.

You see, Bingaching-Ding-Ding-A-Doo-Doo-Bum had an arch nemesis called Hatunamaga-Ga-Gigi-Nilebmingau.

For years these men rivaled each other through all genres of dance.

They would call all of the towns people to gather and watch their show downs. Some people say that they were the inventors of such dance movements as "The Melbourne Shuffle", "The Bump 'N' Grind" and the "Shimmie".

One day, after Bingaching-Ding-Ding-A-Doo-Doo-Bum was heading from a dance fuelled battle, he climbed the hill near his home which was otherwise known as "A Hill in the North of Adelaide". He would come to this hill often, to invoke the God of Trance.

On top of this hill Bingaching sat with his eyes closed and his heart open...waiting, listening for a sign, a vision, a beat....

Meanwhile Hatunamaga was conspiring to humiliate Bingaching. He had called all the towns people up the Hill and asked them to hide behind a rock.

Hatunamaga spoke ghostly to Bingaching, pretending to be the God of Trance...."Come my Bingaching, dance for me in a motion on heads.....With arms out like copters of heli's and pee pee's weeing in winds of time......."

"Oki Doki God of Trance....." And Bingaching obliged. He started spinning on his head pissing everywhere.....all the towns people came out from the rock and were watching him.

Everyone was laughing and Hatunamaga felt like Da Man.

But you see, everyone was laughing so hard that they pee'd their pants too.

So Hatunamaga freaked out and ran away because all of his friends pissed themselves.

This is why Adelaide stinks.

the end

sing a song a ding ding

oceans apart
day after day
and i slowly go insane
Today is a weird day for me.

I am feeling many emotions.

I am confused about people's good/bad intentions

I am worried about my lungs

Whatever.

I am applying to go on Deal or No Deal today.

Wish me luck dear diary....

i see you next to never
how can we say forever

where ever you go
what ever you do
i will be right here waiting for you

what ever it takes
or how my heart breaks
i will be right here waiting for you

Damn straight

Jelkie....karaoke supastar

On Sunday the amazing Tikva & I went to our favorite karaoke bar in the Universe, FM Karaoke on Bourke St.

It's fantastic there....$30 or so an hour, an intercom to buzz your shots up (YES!), a couple of tambourines that flash fluro disco lights when they are banged around......bench chairs to dance on AND two microphones, a MASSIVE flat screen teeveeeeeeee AND A HOT DISCO BALL!

Yeah! It's HOT.

On Sunday we decided to dedicate the night to the 80's.

Tikva was on fire with her selection of Whitney Houston, Oliva Newtown John, U2, and of course a duet with Jelkie to Cyndi Lauper....Time after time, the BEST song EVER & of course the infamous, best scoring Last Christmas by WHAM!

I decided to bring out my inner child just a bit more by singing the songs that most influenced my life back when I was a little nipper.
Such as, Bon Jovi, Roxette, Guns n' Roses and of course, my personal favorite for the evening.....RICHARD MARX

You can laugh all you like but I love him.

As always my pants came off again to 80s cock rock, almost getting busted by the waitress...again!

hmmmmm. Thats all I would like to write about for now.

So long.

Killer Magpies Pt 2 & Beetle Mania Pt 1

Okay, firstly good morgen.

Secondly, I would like to take this opportunity to continue a real life story of a nice lady, who's trying to get to work on time....I had no intention of EVER creating a Part 2 of Killer Magpies - The Brain Sucker Generation....BUT as global warming would have it.......I must.

I arrived at the bus stop @ 7:20am, nine minutes early for the bus.

I did NOT light up a cigarette, I learn't this lesson the other day with the whole Magpie Brain Suckers For Smokers incident....Alas, a Magpie ONCE AGAIN tried to swoop me for my brain.

Okay, paranoid is a term I use frequently when I think of myself.
BUT this IS different.

Is it the clothes I wear?
The way I do my hair?

The nice weird man @ the bus stop said that Magpies don't swoop people, they just play with them. They don't (and I quote) "Need human hair to build their nests!" OMG what type of crack is this guy smoking?!

I just replied "Oh erm....yeah" & moved away very VERY slowly.

I have decided to wear a welders mask to the bus stop every day to prevent further attacks. Go the Ned Jelkie.

This isn't the end of the story though....No no, your NOT getting away that easily.

Prior to the Magpie incident I was confronted with a woman who had a bad hit of heroin. She had her hands on her face and was trying to rip her skin off. NO JOKE.

Johnson St is always good for a mugging or a vomit.

After the lady who scared the be-jeebus out of me, I was crossing the road and a large man who should have enlisted into Australia's Biggest Looser, or perhaps a program for How To Deal With Love Handles......was riding a bike and snarled at me.
To this gesture I poked my tongue out @ him (something I like to do when people GLARE) & I moaned "NNNNNNNNERRRRRRRRH!" at him. I was so tempted to go "Boom bada Boom bada...." but wasn't that cut about it. (Please note: Jelkie does NOT having anything against people who are a little larger then average.....Unless they taunt. Same rule applies with everyone of all sizes.)

So, feeling a little helta skelta about that and watching everyone locking their doors @ the crossing, I arrived to the shelter of my second home, the Bus Stop of the 246 and noticed one hundred thousand Black Beetle's all trying to get into the cracks of the Car Sales Shop Thing.

Do you understand how gross this looked?

All I kept thinking was..."OMG OMG we are all gonna die....This is the apocalypse and we're all gonna die thanks to Global Warming picku maternu!" (no translation req'd)

It was so gross, all of my hundred million hairs on my arms stood up.

YUCK!

Mornings are certainly interesting.

The end.

Pt 5 Once were Jackiers

I was freaking out big time! I mean, what on earth have I done during my little life to deserve such karma?

I have to think of a plan....I MUST get out of here!

Think, think, think!...........Okay, so I'm strapped down on a table with electric cups on my boobies....how the fizzle do I get out of this one?

"Ehscuz mi litel Jelkie.....I vud li to introduce yu toa laydi fren yu mai met bifore...Herr nem Shackie....yu remembar her?"

And in walked the bitch that f*cked my life up and put my boobies in danger......I watch her as she enters the room....my Lord! what on earth was I thinking?

"Hi Adventurous Jelkie, it's been a while hasn't it?" She says walking over to me in heels and a very short nurses outfit......

"Um, err yeah, hey Jackie, you seem to look a little less alien today....did you get your hair cut?" I thru back at her sarcastically...

"Huh....think your funny do you?" With saying this Jackie's green 4 mtr tongue whipped out of her mouth, slapping me violently on my face...."Who's been a bad girl? Hey.....little Jelkie.....Who's been a bad girl?...."

What on earth do you say to someone when they ask you this question in some S&M gone alien wrong style sexual thing? I had n-othing to say. I just lay there, in shock....

Finally I muttered......"Well Jackie I think you should save your energy for later....." She seemed to like this....During the moments of my shock I decided I would seduce HER into untying me by any means necessary....Just as long as no one back home knew of my movements ...hehehe, movements..... with the alien lady.

"Eskuz mi, I liv yu tu tu it." The wrong eyed Doctor Carrot Head said.....

"Well now I have you all to myself little legs Jelkie....My little adventurer.....Ohhhhh, poor little legs is all tied up....diddems...."

(Where in God's name did she get little legs from ?)

"Ah, um, yeah Jackie.....I think you should untie me....just so I can ummm, well, arrrrgh, come on huni, untie me.." Jeebus! I was so scared.....I so didn't want to be violated by a lesbian like this, especially not a alien lesbian.....those tongues could cause major damage......and I need my small intestine!

"Okay little Jelkie...." She moved over and untied my legs first. Then one hand....And that was enough for me to unleash my wrath!

"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaai YA!" I screamed as I flipped myself round, scissor kick style knocking her to the floor......Flipping back over, I untied my other hand....."You stoopid alien hoe......I'll show you for monitoring my boobies and trying to violate my special womans area!"

5mins later Jackie was dead. I killed her.

But, this still didn't explain all of this kufuffle. Like.....Where did she come from?
Why me?
Why did she want to violate my special area?
And....the question still not answered.....Why were my boobies being monitored?

to be continued.

Jelkie bad dream

I had a dream last night.

It was gross.

I dreamt about maggot's eating an African woman's body.

I'm traumatised. I'm going to call Baba Sex now....

Baba Sex is my mama's mama. She's great. She's hot. She's really f*cking funny.

Baba Sex got her nickname on my 21st birthday. Baba likes a shot or two, or three, I mean she's no alcoholic, but if you know my drinking bouts....well thats Baba.

So @ my 21st we were having a shot....Quick F*cks were really in back then so I made heaps & eaps of them....

Baba Sex: Vos dis Jelkie? Oh mi Goh, looki diferi kalurs Jelkie....

Jelkie: Yeah Baba its pretty isn't.....ready Baba?

Baba Sex: No vot is cal Jelkie? Oh mi Goh, vot u cal?

Jelkie: Ummmm, a quick.......sex Baba....yes! Quick Sex..

Baba Sex: Jelkie! Baba Sex! U make-a Baba SEX!?????! Oh mi Goh...Zivila! (Cheers!)

and baba had three in a row.....all my friends and I were on the floor dying of laughter, Baba Sex! hahaha So now she's called Baba Sex. Rock on!

Baba Sex told me this is what the dream means:

A black woman is a good dream......meaning good luck. A white woman can mean death or sickness....usually death.

maggot's means that someone is planning on hurting me. But it won't work because the maggot's weren't eating me, they were eating someone else....But I still need to take care so no one curses me.

Sorry if your experiencing the graphics....

Thanks Baba Sex, we love you.