DANGER! DANGER! Brain eating Magpies!

Yes yes, I know what your thinking....Magpies don't eat brains, they eat bread and fruit and twiggy stuff.

WELL THINK AGAIN!

This morning I arrived 10mins earlier to my bus stop so I decided to have a ciggie.

Now, as I understand they have banned smoking at bus stops, smoking on the street(?), smoking in your own home, smoking in a crack den...etc

I never, ever thought the government of this mighty continent would employ Magpies to ensure the smokers in this land don't light up in these places....OMG.

Let me tell you, I am lucky to have picked up a Beat magazine from the Tote on my way down Johnson St....otherwise I'd be dead. Laying lifeless on Hoddle St with the contents of my bag spread across the footpath, my wallet missing and my shoes as well. Yes, the work shoes Judith.

This bird went straight for my temple.....It opened its beak on the swoop down to reveal a sucking device...Yes, a sucking device which is used to suck brains out. I know this from my recent studies of cannibalism which still exists in certain parts of Borneo.

So to all my fellow smokers, to all my fellow readers.....PLEASE, TAKE CARE. Your at risk of not only developing a really gross illnesses and stuff. Your also at risk of losing your brain.

I know, I came close. I was lucky to get away safely, even if I have lost my mind. But, as you all know....This happened long before the Magpie incident.

Love beans, because they love you.

Pt 4 of Jackie stoopid wh*re alien B#tch face mole

Welcome back, the saga continues....

As we stood embracing, Donkey Head excused himself..."Eeeeeee Ooooh"
"Alright Donkey Head, see ya later."

And off Donkey Head went, into the sunset.

You see, Donkey Head has a habit of showing up at random moments, he likes to save the day, be the hero and then disappear again.

Wotever. I mean I don't REALLY understand him anyway....

Anyway....Off I go in search of freedom, in search of salvation, in search of a REAL woman to love, a REAL woman to love me, and a set of steak knives from Cash & Carry.

Ahead in the distance I can hear the rumble of a V8 engine......"That can't be a ch-ch-ch-ch....ARGER?!!!! OMG IT IS!"

From around the bend comes the HOTTEST V8 Charger, BLACK in colour, the HOTTEST thing on four wheels...("please be a hot chick, please be a hot chick")......I sang to myself while I was trying not to pee my pants in excitement.

The Charger comes straight for me...."Should I move?" I thought aloud...The charger's speeding up now.. "oh crap!"

.......BANG!

I wake up in a moving room, its all twirling in fluro colours. Like I mean its SPINNING. I'm in some kind of space ship...I know this because I look outside and all I can see is stars and planets and shizzle.

A man with red hair is approaching me, he's wearing a lab coat, I am pretending to be asleep still but I forgot to close my eyes...crap!

"I si u ev avaken my litel vun...Huhlo, my nem is Doctar Carret Hed. I em here to monitar your busim grote..."

"Are you telling me, that your name is Doctor Carrot Head and you are here monitoring my bossom growth?" I said in amazement and horror.

"Yis. Dis vun iz korekt....said The doctor.

Oh shizzle, jizzle and ma fizzle.......Why did the charger run me over, but not hurt me?
Why wasn't there a hot chick in the car?
Why is the Doctor speaking like this
And WHY ARE THEY MONITORING MY BOOBIES?

"AAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHH!"

to be continued......

Thank You, SuperNatural

Good morning.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank SuperNatural which is on @ 9:30pm Monday nights on 10.

Thank you, SuperNatural for last nights episode on crazie killer bugs, sent to destroy the white man who set up home and house on the Native American Indian's burial grounds.

I would like to inform you that my dreams were very very scarey and for most of the night, was tossing and turning, trying to get the bee's out of my hair....again.

Now, if anyone's read my pre menstrual entry, you'd know I have had an incident with killer bee's and honey in my hair once before.

Now, although this may not have happened in real life, it happened in a hullicination I once had while I was experimenting with ummm, satay chicken. Yes. Satay Chicken.

After my first encounter with killer bee's I'd prayed to the mighty Lord Jesus Christ to save me from damnation and release my soul from the evil wrath of the bee's God who's name I was told by the Queen Bee Betty the Biter.....was Kenneth the Killer.....eeeeeeeewwwwww.

And as my girlfriend is arranging for the special people to come and take me away once more, I would like to also extend my gratitude to the Lord Jesus Christ....Thanks Jesus. Thanks for nufin. Thanks for making me believe that I could overcome the bee's. Thanks for making me all crazie with fear.
Thanks for leaving me in my darkest hour......"But My child......I did not ever leave you in your darkest hour...."
"Lord....is that you?"
"Yes my Jelkie, it is I. Jesus the carpenter."
"But Lord, when I was wondering down St Kilda Beach this morning, I needed you most and you weren't there for me."
"Ah my Jelkie, but when you were walking on that syringe ridden sand bare foot, did you notice how many footprints were in the sand?"
"Yes Lord, I saw only one set of footprints....I remember because I had to keep looking out for syringes....."
"Yes My child.....you see....it was at this time I carried you my Jelkie....Don't lose faith in the Jebus."
......................................satay chicken....

6 Made Up Useless Facts

Everytime you sneeze you fart

You ARE the Truman Show, it IS real and we are all in on this together

When people accidentally spit on you your head can fall off because of the acidic content in their syliva x the oil/sweat you emit = DISASTER

Break dancing was invented when a man's balls caught on fire in a goating accident

Half deaf people hear better then people with 100% hearing....this is actually true, it was proven on Friday night by Doctor Judas Priest herself

If you pee in your bed over the age of 15 your still actually a baby

My name is Luka

I live on the second floor

PORK THE NEW WEIGHT LOSS FOOD

Firstly, I would just like to confirm that I have been on the floor in our apartment ALL weekend, thanks to an almost fatal couple of Pork Skewers on had on a particular night, at a particular venue.

I felt the effects of the evil Porks salmonellerie bliss almost instantly, my little sensitive tummy almost had a heart attack and my heart almost shat itself.

Hehehe, i got it all upside there.

Well, let me tell you.....if your looking to lose a couple of kg's here and there, or maybe just 10kgs......go and get yourself some pork, leave it out in the sun, bring it back inside, chuck it in the freezer...do this for at least 14 days if your looking to lose more then 7 - 10 kgs.......and then WALLAH!

Cook er' up and eat it! all of it now, don't be tight.......wait a couple of hours, perhaps not even that long....have a loo near by and away you go!

Two days later......two sizes lighter.

Aaaahhhhh, thank you pork!

Pt 3 of Jack Jack Jackie:

And the lights were burning my retina's still at this moment where we continue the story....

And there she was, my once were warrior of hearty hearts, melting before me and yet not in the way that I once desired.

She reached for me with 4 arms and googley eyes...Yes my Jackie had turned Wackie, a wackie wackie alien god dam!

I was freaking out man, I think I even did a number one in my pants. I looked around frantically searching for a safe place to piss bolt to but alas, I was unable to move...."Why didn't I bring my aluminum foil laser guns?" I screamed into the heavens, for it was not like me to EVER leave home without them....and then I remembered I removed them because I didn't want my desire to think I was weird and plus I need room for the watermelon.

Ah! Thats it! I can throw the watermelon at this 4 armed crazie alien thing and make a run for it! YES! (80's yes with the arm pull in, also seen in Napoleon Dynamite...)

"Take this you ugly oversized alien crazie woman thing type, whatever the fizzle you are!" KA BOW!

And seeds and stuff went EVERYWHERE!

Suddenly in the watermelon lip smacker tasting daze I was in, I saw a clear path so decided to go for it.....

"Run run run!" I screamed out loud, so my 3 other personalities could catch up to me....

"Okay, okay, okay!" they shouted back!

"Running running running,
feels like your running forever,
but when you stop and turn around
you realise your on comon ground...."

"Shhhhh I begged my alter ego Franjelka......shhhhhh!"

Finally she shut up, and we were all running at an even pace.....

Suddenly in the midst of our running, we heard a very familiar call.

"EEEEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOH!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOH!"


"I know that call"....I said under my breath....."That is the call of my Spirit Guide Totem Animal Donkey Head!"

I turned around (because my other personalities had finally gone to sleep, or other words, I took my medication...) and there he was smiling at me!

"Oh Donkey Head!" I screamed with delight

"EEEEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOH!"
"EEEEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOH!"

And there we stood embracing for what felt like 5 minutes.....

to be continued

The trying times of a Jelkie.....

Deary me, it's ridiculous being a chick isn't it?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love being a woman, but this whole pre menstrual thing......it's just got to stop.

I just don't think I can handle it any longer, and I truely believe if it doesn't go away, a number of innocent people could be affected by the turmoil....as a number of innocent people in the world already have....and the tissue industry just might run out of tissues......

Let me give you a few examples of my turmoil:

Crying to neighbours is not only a freak of nature, it is also a sin in many cultures.

Crying out of happiness that my soy latte is actually a soy latte and I didn't have to add my own honey, coz the nice man did it for me....so now I won't get honey on my fingers and accidentally touch my hair and have to be chased around by killer bees all day again....

Kicking a tram because i thought it called me fat

Screaming "I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?" at children on the bus when they glance my way....

Avoiding people I know on the street because I couldn't be fucked talking to you while my personal womans area is screaming through my nasal cavaties about how the war in Iraq is affecting my chakras and if I don't get a fucking chocolate bar in the next 5 seconds I'm going to use this metcard in wrong ways of..what was I talking about again?

Getting ready for work, trying on 15 different outfits, looking at the time and discovering it is 8:40pm in the evening, and I got home from work 4 hours ago....

Calling my Mother and crying about how the tomatoes were destroyed by worms because my Father forgot to put the spray on them again....

Crying about how I wis I could be a bird and just fly around and stuff, and then glance at the TV to see that even that dream has been crushed because every bloody birds' got bird flu now....and they're killing all these people, then if I were a bird and you were a human you'd be dead and it would be all my fault and I would just want to be a bird and fly away, but when I fly away again I'll just hurt more people.....oh God why do I keep hurting people?!

Having erratic thoughts and going off on tangents....

Not making sense.

I'm done for now.

Ode to Jelkie joe joe from Judas Priest

I once knew a girl named Anjelka,
Who was bubblier than a glass of alka-seltzer.
She liked to eat donkey,
And was harassed by a junkie,
I once knew a girl named Anjelka.

Jackie likes it wackie

So, the story continues, despite Supermookie's attempts to destroy my story telling time....oh sorry, SUPRE hehehe! *LOVES*

And so upon a mountain top we sat, holding each other hand in hand.

Jackie turned to me with a twinkle in her eye and a red rash on her face (which I initially thought to be her blushing, turned out to be hives), anyhoo.....Jackie turned to me in a swirl of comotion and whispered in my ear...."Adventurous Jelkie, I've long since waited to share a moment with you. A moment much like this.....A moment that is far away from any humans...."

I looked at Jackie in a confused daze. What did she mean by "a moment that is far away from any humans...."

I quickly forgot what I was thinking because all of a sudden Jackie was moving in closer to me, her breath got heavier and I began to sweat.

"Oh Jackie" I said in a trembling voice "what, I, I , I...."

Jackie shushed me and began licking her finger, with a tongue not quite like any I've seen before....I quickly ignored this as her finger started tracing down her collar bones.....Jeezus Jackie had me going.....She came in closer, a little closer, opened her mouth up a little.....and began to emit a noise from her nasal passage so horrendus, I began projectile vomitting all over her.

She was singing me a song?! But why was it making me sick? Was my love not great enough to see past her inadequacies? I saw past the tongue didn't I?

All of a sudden I saw these flashing lights roaming around....I knew I was in shite....but I also knew Jackie was older then 18 so I was fine......

The lights were coming closer, Jackie had stopped singing, but now she'd started to melt......her skin was falling off, she was turning into a..a...a....a

TO BE CONTINUED

R-E-S-P-E-C-T but what does that word mean?

Boy George has rocked the world with a fashion label that finally looks amazing, and allows you to paint your own disguise on your face, or, just wear a disguise with it.

As a matter of fact, as far as i'm concerned, any person who helps bring mask wearing into the "norm" of society is a true rockstar....even if they play the spoons.

I am tired and sick to death (and also speaking for hundreds of people) when I say LOUD & PROUD.....I just want to be accepted for the person I am and not for the mask or super hero outfit I wear.
THank you Boy George......

I had a dream last night....

Good morning and welcome to another day in the life of a Jelkie.

Today I awoke in a sweat.
Not only did I smell like onions from perspiring so intensly during my slumber, I woke up.........with her name on my lips.

She came to me in whispers at first, and then in pounding bass lines....I fell for her in an instant....

She comes from a land of one hit wonders, she hails from a kingdom quite unlike any other ever wittnessed during these times....her name, is, Jackie.

And she's wack wack wackie.

More on this later, I just discovered I am the only person in my team who is not away "Sick" today.....i say, sick mayte, sure you are........

STAY TUNED FOR PART TO OF "I had a dream last night....."

ALBUM OF THE WEEK: FOURTET "rounds"

Best ever by far to paint/draw to.
Please check them out, grab a sample, woteva.
They played @ the Northcote Social Club a few weeks ago, alas the hospitality industry did allow me NOT to go forth........and conquor
But
they
r
HOT!

PROTEST! DON'T SHAVE YOUR PITTS FOR ONE MONTH!

Why I hear you ask?

Because.

My Love, my one and only true love

Oh David I long for you in the quietest of moments
I see you beside me where ever I go

Oh David

Oh David

Oh


David

You are my ONE true love....

And so it begins with a donkey sandwich.....

Welcome to the first entry of my BlogSpot thing, entitled: And so it begins with a Donkey sandwich....:

....it's true though, I am creating this blog thing eating a Mortadella sandwich.

Mortadella is made from Donkey's and as a result of this, the Donkey is threatened with extinction....true true.

So why would you continue eating Donkey if Donkey's were about to become extinct? Well, for me....personally, its so that I can enjoy them while they last.

I would like to take a moment to pay tribute to all the Donkeys who have given their lives up to my lunchbox...1..2.3....Amen.

Thank You Donkeys. Thank You.