Shesh Update - Contact x 2

Ring Ring....Ring Ring

jelkie: Ahhhh, hello?

Shesh: jelkie hi it's Shesh....

jelkie: Shesh, what tha? It's 3:45am in the morning yo! What's up babe?

Shesh: jelkie I need a favour..

jelkie: Yeah sure Shesh, anything babe....

Shesh: jelkie my thongs broke tonight and I can't sleep without knowing that i'll have another pair to wear 2moro....and the only other pairs I have don't go with my winter wardrobe.

jelkie: Shesh babe, how many times do I have to tell you? It's winter huni, you shouldn't be wearing thongs dude.

Shesh: But jelkie I have to wear thongs, otherwise i'll be letting my Geelong comrades down, by upgrading my styles to the standards of these city folk. I can't change who and what I am....you can take the girl out of the skanky but you can't take the sk....

jelkie: Ok ok ok! For farks sake Shesh. Why don't you just take the brown hav's and wear pink socks with them? Then you can wear your yellow leg warmers and pink boob tube....

Shesh: Omg! Thanks jelkie. Fark man, I fully thought i'd be screwed for my outfit 2moro. Big interview at Hair House Warehouse....thanks jelks. Sweet dreams babe

jelkie: Yeah Shesh, sweet dreams....

trans over

time: 4:55am

Shesh Update - We have made contact!

The time was exactly 11:04am.

The phone almost diverted to voicemail

Shesh: Hello Sheshica speaking

jelkie: Hello, this is Jacinta calling from Hair House Warehouse, how are you today Sheshica?

Shesh: Fine thanks

jelkie: I was calling in response to your job application for the position of In-store Hair Straightening Model....

Shesh: Yes yes, I have been waiting for your call

jelkie: We just have one question for you, before we can decide if you are in fact perfect for the position

Shesh: Yes....YES?!

jelkie: Sheshica is your refrigerator running?

Shesh: YES!

jelkie: Well then, you better go and catch it....

-

Sheshica....Last seen at Melbourne Central applying for a position at the Hair House WhoreHouse

If you see her let Centre Management know....She is armed with hair spray and is very VERY danger.

M.I.A - Shesh Have YOU seen her?

Missing In Action yo - Answers to the following names:

Shesh
Shesh-A-boogaloo
Shesh meister Shesh
Shesharella
Sheshticle
Shesharama
Sheshica
Shesh

Last seen @ Federation Square hassling a group of Japanese tourists to take a photo of her out the front of the ever so classy Transport Bar.

Keepsake yo?

Shesh, if your out there, I just want you to know that I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday too.

I fear the little little rabbit men have taken her away again....

Happy Happy 100th Blog_Post-Yo

What better way to celebrate the 100th Post then a trip to Eastlands!!!!

jelkie + miska = SILLY + Eastlands = CRAZie MOFO MOjO FOOTLONG YO

And so it began with a beep of the horn, a knock at the door and a BING-BONG! of the door bell..........

Wakie wakie hands off snakie....snakie's a tool yo - gross

So Bing Bong! Mika to the Mik-Mika-Miska picks me up in the yellow submarine....weeeeeeeeee! Off to Eastlands we go.

Can I tell you....the drive "out there" is just absolutely amazink. It is both stunning and superb. The general feeling within me, concerning the scenery out to Eastlands is best described in a monologue, taken from the made for tv movie Boy In the Plastic Bubble staring John Travolta:

Johnny T:"So are you going with anyone?"

Girly Girl:"Who says I'm going with anyone?"

JT:"I dunno...." *Looks away sheepishly

G: "Hey, press your face up against the plastic.........."

Our mission of the day was to visit the Ky (the wife of the misk) and get free footlong's on BOGOF day at the subs to the ways.

We arrived in the East of Lands with grumbling stomachs, 15mins after sitting down with our footlong's, we were done.

Whilst eating we people-watched.

Now, some might say this was a little daring of us, to consume food whilst checking out da locals yo. However the general obesity seemed to motivate us to eat more and to eat it quickly - mostly due to the fact that we didn't want to get rolled for our roast chickie subs.

And this IS a common occurrence in the hinter hinter land-east.

So we cruised and per-oooooozed.

We taunted and teased.

We WERE taunted and teased.

We abused the staff at Starbucks.

We farted next to groups of people.

All in all it was a great day.

What made it better was Hammer time in the yellow submarine.

Ohhhhh the good old days....STOP HAMMER TIME! (yo?)

Next adventural : Werribe Plaza

This time it'll be detailed yo

Sad jelkie-yo

Yes, thats right I'm sad today....

Thats all.

And I wanna have a baby.....My manager just showed me a photo of her unborn child, you know like a ultra ultra sound.

Sounds like fun.

I want one.

I'm a sook, I'm going to go sit in the corner with my cup-o-soup and stare out the window, feeling like a caged animal in the corporate fuck nut world.

meh!

It's officially week two in pre-mens-turale land........and no sign of the primrose working soon.....help me lord.....help me....

Melbourne sucks

When it's minus 18 degrees in the morning and the window's busted on the bus, coz they give you the shithouse one, the old one that smells like Dorritos.

And you fuck your hair up because you wear your scarf like a head wrap and you pee your pants to keep you warm.

Golden Shower yo

Golden Shower

When your nose hurts so much all the capillaries go crazie mental crazie and it almost starts to bleed, or so you think, its just falling off really.

When you wear long johns and they make your pants creep up into your bum crack and you walk around all day like that. Coz of course no ones gonna tell ya.

When its so cold you don't want to work but they ask you to get off the IntaIntanet and do some work......ooooopsie daisy

Lost! FLuffy white cat. Answers to the name Fluffy

Have you seen my cat?

Last time I saw my cat it was in the bushes near the coffee table, across the hall from the washing machine.

Down the road from the Hardware Store.

Up the street from my car.

The car I lost when I went out for a cheeseburger.

Happy Meal land a go-go.

Meh.

If anyone has any good excuses for me to go home early today, please forward them to me.

Pillow?

What?

The Recorder

Happy 95th Blog yo!

I'm going to have a 100th Blog Entry party to celebrate 100 blogs of random crap-dribble.

Yeah!

Well, what can I say?

I have plenty to say, I'll have you know that..But because I slept in and I just got into work, I'll keep it as brief as possible for the moment.

Recorders.

The Recorder is an amazing musical instrument.

It is sexy, it sounds sexy and if I were to ever have my RockStar dream come true, it would be to play Lead Recorder in the Richard Marx Tribute Band, which Miska and I are currently working on putting together.

I would play and sing.

Sing and play.

Dance the night away, yeah yeah.

So anyway, the Recorder's hot.

Did you know that in Australia, over 38,000 Ukelaylies(SpellChekc?!) are sold/purchased each year?

I say buy a Recorder, make it the most purchased musical instrumentay in Australia, then we'll write our relatives in the never-never's and get them to buy some.

Then one day the Recorder will take over the world.

Lets dooooooooit!

I'm going to be working on some "Buy a Recorder for International Recorder Day" pins, badges, placards and billboards over the weekend.

Look out for them on Punt Rd.

So, the Recorder was invented in 200BC. (pls see pic above for a Recorder visualay)

A woman called Josqualie carved one out of wood while she waited for her husband to invent the wheel.

He didn't invent the wheel you see, so she had all this time to spend hanging out around the river in the BC.

Back then Dragons and Pirates ruled the Earth and little little rabbit men walked freely and proud.

They looked like the rabbit in Donnie Darko.

Actually, the Donnie Darko rabbit is a descendant of the little little rabbit men.

More on that another day. And more on the Dragons and Pirates I say!

So she made the Recorder, and played it a lot. She played it so much, she played heaps and eaps....

The end.

For now....ra-HAHAHAAAAAAAAAR!

Pre Menstrual Work Ethical Tension

I HATE IT WHEN:

Your making your lunch in the tea room and people put their noses in your lunch, "Oooooh, wots dat?" "Ooooooh, smells good...." Ooooh fuck off!

When people see that you have 2 x sandwiches and they say "Ooooh, my! And where do you put that?" Oh derrrr Fred! In ma fucken belly, where the hell do you think FATTY?! It is NOT my fault your fat because you eat fried chicken every night and have heart disease. WALK! go on! I dare ya! go for a walk! I'll give you a dimmie if ya do!

When people see you walking with your food and they say "Hey! thanks for that - you shouldn't have!" Yeah dickhead I didn't! Get your eyes off my tuna and stop breathing on my lunch!

When people see that you have your hands full and don't hold the security doors open for you, even though every other time your to-ing and fro-ing they hold it open for you....Yeah thanks though

Your eating at your desk to get away from the people in the tea room and other people stand behind you, watching you eat....just watching......juuuuuuuuuust watching

Your eating at your desk and you KNOW they are watching and a big peice of lettuce comes out of your sandwich and sticks out of your mouth, then the people watching you see and they chuckle openly, thus creating a paranoia with your sandwich eating skills, thus making it even harder to eat freely at your work station

People read your blog entries before they are published, because your blogging on your lunch break and they are still standing behind you....reading about how much it irritates you when they watch you eat and stuff

People that irritate you are nice to you and it makes you feel bad, because 5mins ago you were bitching about how dumb they are, and then they're nice to you and you feel terrible because you were really really nasty and the person you were bitching to about how dumb the dumb person is - is watching and thinking, my God! what an arsehole, she's so nice to her! Yeah, yeah we're all guilty of this one....

When you want chocolate. When you need chocolate. When you CRAVE chocolate, but you can't have any because if YOU eat chocolate they're all gonna say, "Gee, where do ya put that?" and "Oooooh watch it, you might actually put on weight" and "OOOOOOoooooh what? You letting yourself go now"..........Yeah, yes I'm letting myself go. One Snickers is NOT going to blow my waistline out of proportion and qualify me for Australia's Biggest Looser....yeah

thank you.

Corporate Killing

What to do when a co-worker annoys you beyond belief?

Oh, what to do God-dee it?! *jelkie begs to the Heavens above*

I have tried, Lord knows I have tried my hardest.

I have breathed, walked, punched the wall. I have coached myself out of much angst and anger, yet it has all failed oh so miserably.

Today and yesterday have been the hardest days so far.

My PMS is no doubt helping the problem. Evening Primrose please?

I have retired from working as a result of the chronic pain in my side, the torment I had been subject to and the ANNOYANCE which is "RAW" as shesh and I have come to call "IT".

The time is 15:37pm and I have exactly 23mins left till I leave this place.

Thank FUCK!

I'm really really over it.

So to entertain all those in Blog-land and to release some tension from my weary and tired shoulders, here is a list of ways that I believe I can get rid of the old bat:

Throw a chair at "IT"

Fart bombs (although this would affect me as I sit near "IT")

Plead Torets Syndrome and scream Cunt Face Mole at "IT" at random moments

Trip "IT" down the stairs and say it was an accident

Spit Mandarin seeds at "IT" in the lunchroom

Just spit in general at "IT"

Tell "IT" that while she was out the MD rang and said "IT" was a Stupid Dickhead and that "IT" has been fired

Lace "IT's" Cuppa Soups with LSD so "IT" trips out and gets the sack for being under the influence of prohibited substances

Hmmmm. I feel heaps better. Thanks though.

OUT

Hock that....?

Cash converters, or otherwise known as "Cashies" was founded in Perth, Western Australia in 1984.

Brian Cummins one day awoke from his slumber in a cold sweat, with a vision imprinted in his mind.

His vision consisted of providing smackies a local Hock Shop with a retail franchise name, thus making it somewhat "respectable" to aid them in the supply of their choice of substance.

It was an idea that people clearly loved, as you can see for yourself by venturing passed the drop off point of goods and collection of money area - there's always a crowd yo.

Today, there are over 110 stores within Australia and over 450 worldwide.

Seems odd because I swear there is a store on every corner.

So if you ever need to purchase an article for 45% more then the retail value, which has been used/abused, or you just want to get that flat screen tv back that disappeared from your lounge room, head on down.

Cash Converter staff are waiting with painted smiles to help you!

The end.

Must of been love But its over now....

Welcome to eBay jelkie-massa!

Why thank you....(This can NOT be a good thing....)

I used to always say that I would never become a member of eBay, because I could see that the potential of addiction lay at a higher rate then accidental pregnancy for teenagers in Toongabbie, NSW.

And that's a 9 in 10 probability.

yo

So to celebrate my very first purchases, I did the happy dance, oh..and created this blog about it.

Cyndi and Roxette. ETA on Richard Marx LP = 3 days 2 hrs and 45 mins or some shizzle like that.

Meh!

Last night Miska, her lovely lady and myself went to the filming of Comedy Inc. Live studio audience yo.

Miska and the Ky are addicted to being part of studio audiences.

So far they've done Bert - loved it more then chocolate and now Comedy Inc. Which I actually prefer to call Shithouse Inc. But anyway....Each to their own and btw where was MY coke Mr Presenter and so called "Comedians"?!

This weekend their hitting Chart busting 80s from chan. 31 and then Bert again next month.

Miska's mad for the Bert. Loves the Bert actions.

I need to hit some work now.

But don't stress - a blog about the Kyoto agreement of greenhouse gas admissions is coming up very soon.

Adventurals-a-Go-Go!

It started with me consuming a whole entire large pizza....It ended with Finding Nemo - he's great thanks....but we're still searching for my mind....

What happened in between was both interesting and mildly entertaining. Actually, heaps of stuff happened but I only really feel like elaborating a little. Partly because I'm not certain if all the rest was real. hmmph! I know a camel was involved at some point though. True story.

Charltons is officially my new favorite karaoke (spell check?) bar in the world.

It's so wrong is right.

Jan was there on Saturday night. A 55yr old teacher who moved two streets away from the primary school she works at, just to be able to go home for quick ciggie breaks.

Jan is hot. Jan doesn't like ecstacy. Totally random comment Jan....But we appreciated it none the less....

She wants to make us chops though. Two weeks in a row for chops offers. Hot

Doona and I attempted to get her to come back to the lesbos mecca mecca for a day party. Jan declined.

Jan also failed to reveal her surname so we could stalk her.

Thanks though Jan. And your welcome for the security guard we hooked you up with. Even if he was our sloppy seconds.

Walking down the side streets of Chinatown we just so happened to encounter two old fat Irish men who had just been evicted from the Elephant and Wheelbarrow. Classy mutha eff's if you ask me....

Long story short, if anyone see's a man walking around with a bruised chin, creds this way thanks. You could also identify him by the following speech pattern: "Kidda-bah! Jah-jiddah bah! Ladies ka-diddah-bah!"

NOTE TO ALL DRUNK FAT MEN: Grabbing women by the shirt will only result in a "neee'h!" right hook to the jaw. Hot N Sexy Yo

Over the course of this weekend I also learnt that breaking into the Northcote pools at 5am in the morning always seems like a great idea at the time, but hooking yourself into barbed wire and developing pneumonia after the swim is NOT much fun.

Show us your bronchial cough. And your boobies

School girl dresses are hot and so are camels.

But not hotter then Donkeys.

Apologies to the 4am jogger who was chased and harassed down the "street" by two weird ladies.

Just because I think I can fly....doesn't mean I can.

And of course, last but not least....Happy mothers day Mama B and Baba Sex. (Baba got wasted yesterday....)

*Loves it*

Thats all.

Have we met before?

The following is a Letter to the Editor, as seen in last week's Melbourne Times.

COFFEE JUNKIES
"I APPLAUD Ms Maisano (TMT, April 26).
Her intelligent comments point out that all those that wish to dance in a public park must be "off their faces".

I am also concerned about those intoxicated with caffeine striding down public walkways almost bowling people over, and chattering loudly in groups - it grates on my ears. People should enjoy themselves quietly in their well presented homes and those without the will to do so should be expelled from the City of Yarra and sent to drink their coffee in the desert."

Brendan M / North Melbourne

Have I missed something?

Milko?

Miska and I were conversing about Sally Fletcher aka: Kate Ritchie this morgen on the 246 yo.

As always, when talking about ma Sally, I reverted back to the good old days.

The days when acid stone wash ruled Best N' Less and phenomena like BROS was the giggy-wiggy.....The days when Sally was a little nipper, running around after her Gran-dads bag pipes having her chats with Milko, her imaginary friend in the bag of pipes.

The days when Alex Papps stole my heart, the same time when Tony Danza was my ultimate dream man....(Did I mention yet he was at the convention last week....go the beer belly....)

I remember when she got all sneaky like, waited for Pippa to leave the room and cut open the bag, and cried when Milko didn't come out.......A-C-I-D-I-N-T-A-K-E-Y-O-?

So anyway, this entry is dedicated to the Sall.

The e of my eye.

The apple of my pear.

And the tripper which is embedded in my birth-rite.

Rock on little sista.

Welcome Shesh-A-Boogaloo

She just couldn't hide her excitement which came with Blogged associated Fame!

So now our little Booga-looloo freak has mashed up her own riggie-riggie-RAW blog.

And on a quick note.

It's jelkie.blogspot.com

There's no comma in there....Seem's as though a sabotage is in the mixa mixas.

Hmmm, so anyway, welcome once again Shesh.

NEWSBREAK:
Bingo-bango story axed due to poor ratings in Germany.

NEWSFLASH:
I heard a 75 year old man on the 246 say jizzle

NEWSHEADLINE:
Sea Monkeys ARE REAL

Foyer Update

Discarded sanitary product located in front of lift. Appears to have dislodged itself from an "area" of sorts and fallen out of pants/skirt.

Could the owner of this used product please collect it from the foyer and dispose of it in the appropriate way, as I need to have a ciggie and it's obstucting my path.

over 10-4

BINGO!

I stared at the man from across the way. My heart was pounding louder then the clock ticking in the hall, which tocked the background to grey.

The ladies all looked at me, appearing as though they were wishing and wanting me to be wrong....Sitting pretty in their Sunday Best's, frowns creasing their haggard worn faces.

"Bingo!" I screamed "Bingo!"

Silence.

The world appeared to be ignoring me.

"Bingo! Bingo!" I pleaded with the Bingo Gods, who sat patiently reviewing the numbers on my score card.

"Bingo! Bingo!" I yelled as I gyrated on the floor, seeming more like a child begging for a sugar fix, then a lady who'd just won a meat tray.

"Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!"

"Security...." Announced the 2nd in charge Bingo God.

Two men came over my gyrating body, like a tide of darkened clouds over lapping the Bay.

The last thing I remember was being picked up by my arms and feet, and being swayed....I recall the words 1, 2, 3 and a floating feeling which followed, then *BOOF!*

Waking up I look around hazily. "White, so much white......My lips are chaffed. My Lord I'm thirsty...." I mumbled to myself.

I tried to move my hand to my face, to which action was denied. My arms had been tied down by brown belts.

"Oh no, not again!" I cried out loudly. The echoes of my plea ringing over and over throughout the wards of Chalmsfed State Mental Hospital.

OH NO! A cliff hanger already?....to be continued.....number 30 dirty girty!
*the adventures of a jelkie would like to thank prozac for its ongoing support and donations*

CorpoRATe CarJackinG-OFF

The time is now 12:14pm on St Kilda Rd.

I woke up late this morning and got off at a different bus stop to by-pass the boyfriends for a Soya-yo.

On my way to heaven (the cafe) I noticed two suited folk a step or two ahead of me. The time was then 9:38am

Corporate Car Jacking - ON -

So I was wearing my headphones, walking down the street, a man and a woman in front of me....Jelkie turns down headphones....interested in the interaction before her ie: dodgy sensor ON

"This one?" the woman quizzed.

"No No", the man responded to the quiz-master-miss, "fluffy dice...."

"Ah yeah" continued the lady.

(Walking, walking walking)......."Ah here, this one's good!" stated the man, ever so chuffed with his selection.

"Oh ok, wait for this chick to pass...." replied the lady.

Jelkie passes, continues down the street, turns to look back @ the corner.

Corporate Car Jacking - OFF - and running en route Punt Rd

wow

Don't get any better then this.

5mins in and out and off down the street.

yo.

Debbie Two Pots-a-Helta Skelta

This blog is dedicated to the woman who made my heart skip a beat

To the woman who took my breath away at first sight, and no doubt will continue to do so for as long as we both shall live

To the woman who put our names on the door for the Annual Frankston Male/Strip Model Contest

To the woman who can smoke 4 ciggies at once AND do her nails

To the woman who serves the BEST looking $2.50 pots of Carlton in the Southern Hemisphere

To the woman....Who IS Frankston.

Debbie

I *heart* you so

Wanna BE my love child?

Anyway....Thats not the only thing we got from our Franga adventural on Saturday....No, no....

There were chops involved. Yes sir-ree bob. There were chops.

Later yo

Gossip much?

Hmmmm, what a day it has been indeed, or rather a few days.

What I *heart* most in particular about gossip is that whenever it's concerned about me, it's always very amusing.

Thanks though....

So onto more gossip....

Miska and I are about to venture off onto our little adventural, otherwise known as the convention....YES! The time has finally come to freak the ladies out.

We are both very VERY excited about all of this.

We even snuck a couple of tinnies in our bags....SSSSssssh! That's top secret....

So off we go, into the sunset, which is at 5:32pm today, mind you.

Off into the sunset, hand in hand, on a mission. I *heart* missions.

Pretty uneventful apart from that.

Later yo

Lift Update

jelkie enters lift.

Lift stops at Level 2.

6 people enter lift, 2 of which are the female variety.

jelkie moves to the corner.

4 men move in on her.

Man places his elbow on jelkie's belly button.

jelkie says nothing, but begins to hyper-ventilate.

Man does not move.

Bing! Lift opens. Man waits until everyone leaves, pushes in front of jelkie whilst exiting.

Doors shut on jelkie....

hmph

why am i invisible in the lift? i think it has something to do with a hidden vortex which counter acts with my aura.

Line 4 position 2 .... Projectile?

So why do chemists have to dedicate window displays to Toe Nail Rot?

Like I'm talking those ceiling to floor posters here.

?

Anyone?

Well, I can't come up with any answers. I'm feeling a little queasy today anyway, plus the Rot....argh?

Lucky I didn't projectile on the window, thats all I'm gonna say.

The chemist is in the Hospital....It's a wonder why there aren't any other randoms hocking up all over the foyer.

A field of projectile's.

Hey, that sounds like a great name for a poem. Here we go:

a field of projectiles
is where i lay my grace

upon undertones of silky smooths
and conquers those mighty

a choke in the right direction
evaporates the bellies of deep

and curiosity killed what cat would lie
or lather within

THE END