to the left, to the left, everything you own in a box to the left

tracing the outline of your lips with my intent
i find it difficult to contain the excitement of having made it home with you

i wake in the morning with distaste lingering in my heart hole

the curse of destiny's child

i think i like you
i think i want you

then when i have you i don't want you anymore

genetic throw-back?
something in the water?
just not the right woman?

too picky or too something?
too something, definitely too something...

on to the next one

excitement eyes as we sit for a triple shot flat white with one sugar and fat milk
we touch hands and you tell me you have never met anyone like me before

i feel flattered and we walk the mall hand in hand

i wake the next morning and make an excuse of having to go to another fitness assessment
you tell me to text you when i am done

i text your 14hrs later advising some "things" came up and i will not be able to attend afternoon tea

scones are just not my thing

on to the next one...

beers in the afternoon and a prior engagement on hold just in case i get annoyed or cold feet

what a woman i've become.

now currently interviewing for the farmer wants a missus

so interviews have begun, for jelkie's own version of : the farmer wants a wife (with a couple of little differences)

a. the farmer in this particular "series" is a woman
b. the "farmer" isn't actually "farming" at this point in time - save for the backyard veggie patch
c. though this particular "farmer" does own an array of checkered shirts "she" is not actually in possession or interested in being in possession of an akubra (thus meaning that in the real show, "she" would forfeit all interest in appearing in future episodes
d. though the farmer has an interest in obtaining a "wife" - the farmer may or may not actually be interested in keeping said wife for any period of time longer THAN five days
e. this particular farmer is allergic to country and western music, so rather than having a ho-down, in this series, there will be a series of HOE-DOWNS
f. instead of water coming out from the taps and shower, you will be able to obtain water from the bottles that appear in the mount franklin fridges in the house - only beer will run freely from all taps, showers and hoses
g. all applicants must be: of at least 19 years of age; no older than 38; have an interesting talent that may or may not involve gerbils; flexible in more ways than one; be prepared to get nakie on public television; be prepared to cook and clean for the farmer every day; be interested in or pretend to be interested in everything the farmer says.

the farmer wants a missus, yo

so wha-chya wha-chya wha-chya want

unemployment? in alice springs................seriously.......how long did i really think that would last


plan of action:

sell the jeep

buy a ute

buy a dog

wa

oh yeah

unemployment is no laughing matter

what possessed me to throw in my career and become a bum?

as i sit sipping a coffee, looking into my bag at two $5 notes and wondering how i am going to pay next weeks rent, i can't help but feel a little bit anxious

what the fuck am i doing here?

i had this image in my head, that i would come back here and take two casual jobs, concentrate on things that had to do with me and save my little Croatian arse off so i could get the fuck out of here

instead, i end up working a few cameo shifts in a bar in town - don't know how much i am being paid, if at all, spending my days reading and freaking out about how the fuck i am going to get out of this place without being in financial ruin or locked up in a loony bin

i mean, i HAVE job offers, i just don't want to do any of those things. pay cuts of up to $20K is a lot to take - needless to say the ego becomes affected too...

it feels like a concrete pylon in my chest

it feels like i am further away from what i dreamed and hoped for then ever before

there has to be more than this

THAN this

my reasons for leaving multi national hospitality corporations and situations should be enough for me to keep my chin up high and concentrate on realising my own goals..................

concrete pylon suffocates the wanting to break from the victim of corporation kaka to the womens pioneer hall of fame


blah blah blah whinge whinge whinge

i am not one of those pull-string dolls that when you pull it's string it cries out

but fuck i feel like one