So being a new Australian and all, i sometimes find it hard to go to sleep without a shot of rocket fuel, otherwise known as Rakija.
Tonight there was no Rakija, so I am holding porn star position on the couch in front of the telemavision, with the heater on watching info-mercials at 3.34am. It is hot and sexy and I rection i am the closest to heaven right now dawgh!
Ye know, I once had a boyfriend named Tony, my Mama B called him Tony Pepperoni....let me tell you he wasn't as hot as a ferroni, but he was at least up there with say....a chorizo? - A little bit ethnic, with a nice little kick to it.....
So anyway, Tony and I were together for a little while.
We were two little shits together, always causing havoc and doing random happy things.....i think he loved me so much because it was like going out with his best mate who just happend to have boobies....even if they were smaller then his best mates, but it's not my fault his best mate had a failed steroid addiction and ate just a LITTLE bit too much of the old chicken breasticle.......hey i hear those hormones are wicky wack yo......uncage the bird! and tuck those boobies inside your jocks............meh. Sorry.....ex-boyfriend best mate angst......grrrrrRah! Nah really, I'm over it. But I'd just like to say, for the record Andy - I actually stopped wearing trainer bra's at 18 so technically, you were only half correct in saying all those trainer bra jokes about me......so up yours tittymcphee
So anyway....we were a like minded rebelious couple who loved to do really really silly things together. But what we most loved was to sit at the beach and eat Marco Polo gerkins and play cards. Sometimes we'd eat strawberries too - but not like with the gerkins. coz that would just be a bit gross no?
The next most favourite thing was actually more an obsession. we hearted infomercials so much, that we could recite the WHOLE infomercial repeat program.....No we did not use crack together. We were just young and in love with an idea of being in love, liked an excuse to stay up in the lounge room together alone smoking cigarettes and pulling eachother's fingers at random intervals.....(that is 1 thing i miss about going out with a boy....fart jokes are ALWAYS funnier and you NEVER do a worse one then them.)
Oh crap, my story.....ok so you name it, we could hit it....we could recite the info's yo - from Aplon (my personal favourite hair removal info-mercial) to the folding ladder, to the amazing flesh coloured fat keeper innera bike pants, the original abb-cruncher, the knives that NEVER go blunt - YES!!!! the same knives that can cut through aluminium cans and metal desks and such similar objects that knives just weren't meant to cut through -and if you EVER get stuck on a island, similar to the Lost Island....these are the kind of friggin' knives you want dude. They can like, cut drown trees n' shizzle. So you could fully build your home, a surf board, a table, a chair or even like a raft - IF you ever wanted to sail off into the sunset with Kate....but seriously...if you had enough food to last you forever and water and hot beaches.....would you ever wanna leave that island. - I say Others it up, I'm staying on the beach with Kate, eating Coconut CocoPops and practising the art of making babies.....101 yo
Anyway, that particular info-mercial (ABOUT THE KNIVES) is still on, it actually had a revamp two years ago.....and the folding ladder which turns into 45 different ladders has been re-vamped too....it only used to turn into 4 different ladders in 87'
Though I suppose.....in time, we all learn to fold into 45 different ladders....*jelkie brushes her brow with the back of her hand dramatically*
Back in our obsessive info-mercial days, it was hosted by the guy from the Partridge family. The red head with the drug and alcohol problem.
Tony and I used to call the info-Numbers and just chat with the phone staff. Ask them how their night/morning was and stuff. They got to know us in time. Was all really hush hush underground cool yo.
But ye know, like seriously, I rection the clencher info-mercial of all time was the Epi-Lady though.
Now, I don't know if my association with the Epi-Lady was tainted because I didn't purchase it from the late night info-mercials..Presented by Danny....whats his name....ruko? suuko? soduko?meh wotevs..actually, it wasn't even ON the info-mercials..You see, my Mama B bought it off like the Good Morning Show - when Kerri-Anne was kicking it in hot pink and rah rahs. Mama B thought it was, and I quote Epi-Lady mercials when I say this...."a pain free solution to hair removal"...........
No matter how many times they advertised the fact that you were able to Epi-Lady ANY part of your body, it still didn't help me on that hot summers' day, way back when.......Man, I don't know what hurt more, loosing my info-mercial virginity via bank chq and NOT credit card at such a tender age....or, trusting and believing that Kerri-Anne might be supporting the / a truth whilst wearing an outfit I swear I've seen before whilst walking past the entrance to yet another Drag Queen Bar.....(can you tell i realised i am able to bold and italisize? Love a good italicisation...yet to locate the spell check therough)
A-hem....back to my story....So, being 14 and starting on yourself with an Epi-Lady under your arm pitts is definately NOT recomended, should you wish to avoid traumatising after effects which will haunt for the ever and ever. YO!....and i mean in the waking and non waking sense. I swear to God, last week, whilst waiting for my 246 bus I saw a car that looked like a gigantic Epi-Lady and I swear it.....*jelkie takes the yellow pill and breathes* it was just the Citroen from the dancing car commercial again....thats all.*jelkie places doona over herself and laptop*
*jelkie turns on headband flashlight*
Anyway, like I cried and cried and cried after using that farken thing at such a tender age. No matter how hard I tried the stinging wouldn't go away and the noise....oh God I swear that noise when you turn the farker on......WORSE then the ole' nails on the balckboard yo.
I remember when I was 17, I found the Epi-Lady where I hid it 3 yrs prior....I grabbed it in my hand and snarled at it....Meh! 45 day money back guarentee my bung hole mofo....do they mention they don't exchange goods if there are "hairs" in the little gripper things...oooops anyway. Nice $45.00 x 2 easy payment installations investment.....can I have my 3yr old decayed under arm skin back please? Oh, and my bro-ski says thanks for the koala patches....oh lordy I'm going off track again.
Back to the story yo..........So I'm holding my foe and staring it in the grippers when it suddenly dawned upon me.....Geez, you know....I was REALLY young back then and I suppose my tolerence to pain wasn't as great as now, because I'm like, I'm yeah like so mature and stuff an' i reckon because I can't find my bikini wax and I've got like 10mins until i'm supposed to go to the beach.....oh yeah nah, man yeah like she'll be sweet.........she'll be fine mate........
*jelkie locks the bathroom door and plugs in the Epi-Lady*
*jelkie looks around whilst dropping her boardies*
*jelkie turns the powerpoint on*
*jelkie takes a big big breath*
*jelkie screams so loud her neighbour calls the Police to report a domestic
altercation*
*Mama B finds jelkie on the floor in the fetal position clutching her area, Epi-Skin-
Remover still buzzing on the bathroom floor*
Alas I did not go to the beach that day....That 45 degree day in Sydney's South West.
And nor did I ever.....ever EVER attempt to use the Epi-Lady again. Although my brother would sometimes chase me around the house with it going "NERRRRRRRRNININININININNGAAAAHHHHHHH!" To which I would respond with "Koala Patches, Koala Patches" and watch him cry like a polly prissie pants.
Yesssssss..........we are BOTH scarred for life now aren't we bro-ski?
So where was i? ah yes.....info mercials..................shoulda stuck with the Aplon.
