i wear my undies inside out to avoid gypsie curses

eclipse the emoticons
arriving within the adorning hills
snow capped peaks they thrive
people have been abducted by bears and or aliens in these parts
alas i do not stray from the path
but i still shit my pants at the sight of my girlfriends imaginary bear following us

oh my fucking god people...
seriously...we went from 30 degree heat to a freeeeeeezing 5 degrees, snow littering the peaks of crna gora. my bargaining skills enabled us an apartment, equiped with old skool style fire place, kitchen, whole floor to ourselves and the dormitur national park outside our freakin window (5 ks away)

heading north
...or was it south...i dont know where the friggin question mark is...and i have never really been too great with my never eat soggy wheat bix

words can not describe the beauty we devoured with our eye holes. seriously, this place is off the fucking ricter ricter scale in beautifulness
two lakes, joined as one and an awesome hiking trail scattered around.

bears and wolves, deer and old people doing tours - heaven on earth...the only negative being that it rained. EVERY single day from approximately 3pm till the next morning.
that night devouring home made specialties, spoonings new definition of softness formed, falling asleep to the pitter patter of rain drops free falling from grey skies above

bike rides the next day traversing round wheels through climatic variances - wow
boarding buses to sea side beauties
boarding buses to arrive at bus stations where we would be met by mean men so in retaliation we decided to picnic next to their window
eating chicken pate with freshly baked bread and stupidly amazing tomatoes and cheese that is tooooooo good
deflecting gypsie curses with my inside out clothing
deflecting curious stares with interpretive dance

homos...montenegro is going mental...of course we arrive during an uprising admist riots about to boil over the mixing pot of backwardness...they do not recognise homos at all or show any respect to them. it has been hard trying to appear friends and not mack on in public, for fear of public bashings.
pride march 31st may in the capital podgorica. montenegrains are filming it to identify any homos they miss when they try to bash them all during this march
sometimes i wish people didnt tell me so much information...

kotor...
seaside bliss
sun goes down and the wind picks up
slightly banging your window shutters to the wall
its peaceful and lovely
save for the no displays of public affection with your girlfriend

people think we are here to find boyfriends and take them back to australia...beacause we are at that age and stuff...

i did a pee off the marina today. it was one of those impressive pees you never thought you could ever do...one of those pees only experienced outdoor pee'ers could land...i am very proud of my nailing of the sea pee and plan on capturing it on film next time so i can upload it to youtube

walked up 1500 steps this morning
an incline of OH MY GOD
married with a view of AMAZING

left my girlfriend in a montenegrain hairdressers who i think may understand how to dye hair white...and this my friends, is the beauty of traveling
the not knowing
the learning from mistakes (potentially)
the memorising laneways
learning how to barter
using your time efficiently so you can sneak a smoke without anyone knowing
the avoiding bears and wolves
the kissing passionately in alleys without getting busted by adolf hitlers apprentices

dubrovnik romance
followed by split and makarska

island hopping up the coast
renting a vehicle and then off to the family
a few days in the village
national parks explorations 2011

no more cheese or bread for a week

kiss kiss
hug hug

drugs in the water

only in monetenegro, baby...

boarding the train that was destined to get us the fuck out of the dumbest city on the face of the planet, two things happened to me. the first thing was a bit of peanut m&m getting stuck in my gum which proceeded to piss me off until i finally flossed at 9PM that night, the second was that my new favorite sandals were really starting to break my footsies in...
apart from that, everything was looking up, quite peachy you could say.
we finally checked in to roma airport and were directed down a section of the airport that seemed to be rented out to smaller airlines.
we spied a group of people who all seemed rather chilled, getting along like a house on fire in their designer clothes and expensive eye wear.
we quickly took a seat to the side of the spectacle and watched in amazement...

it turns out that none of these people knew each other...but there they were, all excited and shuzzed up to the nines waiting to board the plane together (in stitches and in armani, mind you)...
we witnessed peeps picking up complete strangers, singing and dancing...random bff chats and comfortable reclining for all...what kind of a place is/was this montenegro, is it THAT fantastic that it makes people do small wee's of excitement in their pants before they even get there.

turns out, it IS that kinda awesome place that makes people smile................when they are coming here for the weekend to take part in illegal gambling.

i admit to pinching myself upon landing. a sunset was nestling itself in between mountains and mountains and mountains of love. all the while the aqua of the fresh running water piercing your eyes......and your senses....wow, heaven indeed.

anyhoo, after being completely ripped off by our taxi driver we arrived at our hostel. nestled in the hilly inclines of crna gora, this place....in all of its majestic wonderful beautiful-ness...it is just breath taking.
greeted by the handsome and dashing nicola, we were then fed and entertained by him in a section of the hostel that had much of a switzerland inspired changing rooms theme.

today we made the journey out to ostrog monastery - a VERY holy place. litterally built into the top of the mountain, it took us almost an hour to climb the steep one way road in our little taxi...round and round and round and round and more round turns a.......nd........

finally reaching the peak, we bid farewell to mr taxi man and were greeted by a sign in the archway that read no shorts, skirts, etc........looking down ourselves we noticed that we were soooooooooooo not appropriate for ostrog monastery...not just that - all of the locals up there realised that too.
now, i reckon it's great to understand what people are saying in another language...not so much when they are slagging you and saying very bad things about you, your apearance and attire.

it is pretty funny all the same. it's just so odd that in the next town it is socially acceptable to wear skirts, hot pants but one town over you pretty much have to wear a hajib.

anyway, i love montenegro, so far so good, sooooo good on the eyes!
and now we are off to a coastal town for some chill out time and exploring of the mountains

there are still bears in these parts so if you don't see a new blog in a little while i am probably dead.\xo

what is your problem, Italy?

now i am not going to sit here, on this little blue swivel chair and dictate how i think people should behave in the wide world of customer service and tourism, hospitality...however...i do know a little bit about the subject.

upon arrival into rome we were greeted by stupid stares, taxi drivers that wanted to rip us off and people who would have rather have lost a limb instead of assisting us with things like: directions; coffee; fruit; toilet paper; change...etc

now, one could say that it is my hospitality karma coming straight back at me, or, one could also say that it is just because Italians have been raped for too long and too hard in the tourism and hospitality sector that their hyperthetical arses are aching and they just cant stand another freakin poke!

i attempted to buy a pair of sandals yesterday and was yelled at for accidentally walking down a flight of stairs which was obviously private and obviously contained some kind of illegal italian pasta making ring, then i was publically humiliated for not understanding the small sign which was written in italian saying please do not go down the stairs
then...i was yelled at for not asking the permission of the smoke selling guy to touch his playing cards that were encased in a glass window which was open mind you...he then proceeded to again, publicly humilate me, though worse than the prior. he proceeded to say that i had no brains, and as if i would go into a shop in my own country, open the counter and go through it...in shock i had no response. seriously...what on earth could you say in response to such a cock sucker?

then we were yelled at in an art exhibition, ignored in an archeology museum and knocked about on the metro.

basically i am ashamed of having given any of my freakin euros to this cunt of a city.
its people - bar the amazingly wonderful susanna are horrible, staring, dumb dumbs and they can kiss my increasingly smaller and smaller in size arse.

eff you italy

off to croatia tomorrow and maybe straight to montenagro to chill in a beach side shack for a week.

tonight we will celebrate leaving this god foresaken place, and i pray that i will never, ever have to return here, ever ever again.

upon leaving the cameron highlands

so glad to get the hell out of malaysia and into france! we just finished up a few days and nights walking our sweet little arses off all over paris.
i was in heaven, i mean, baguettes everyday, crepes and triple shot scotches!!!!!! we really scored the best deal ever. scoring an apartment foc for almost the whole time we were in town, this enabled us to focus our attention on other things, namely: mastering the metro, filming interpretive dances in public places, making out in lane ways and of course...keeping our fitness regime up.
if i could guess, i rection we had walked one hundred million kms around paris, which would explain why we have lost weight even after such ludicrious amounts of baguete/crepe consumption.
allow me to highlight the highlights since the previous post for you, in bulletpoint form:

• overcoming the evil he/she woman at the reggae bar in malaysia who wanted to kill me for not reading her specials sign properly - um, sorry but maybe if you spent more money on the correct spelling ON your menus instead of IN your bust, we might be able to talk business here...


• bumping into members of our awesome group from TN in random locations en route to tea heaven highland fields......


• the really really REALLY scary strawberry paradise which had strawberry machine men dancing extremely slowly, which we over came by interpretive dancing throughout the strawberry fun park......yes, that's right... A STRAWBERRY FUN PARK


• meeting the equivalent of the dude from silence of the lambs who sews human flesh together from the victims hides he murders....this particular man was in charge of showing us around his home made butterfly museum, he even went so far as to nail a lot of dead insects into walls in butterfly patterns, encorporating lego castles into his mueseum for a greater effect


• doing a poo in a squat toilet

then we jumped on a 12hr flight to paris and into the wonderful, loving, staring arms of france!

i think the biggest highlight for me, personally, in paris was when i got my rags. i walked into a chemist to ask for tampons and was asked if i wanted perfume or non perfume.......non perfume, i replied.....derrr...........the lady proceeded to pick up different bottles of facial cream for me, pouting an adriana xenedies pose with each and every bottle....nonono! i cried...TAM PONS!!! all the while doing the shove upwards motions in her direction, slightly squatting for the full affect........

other moments of excitement included:

• doing a poo in my pants trying to climb the effiel tower.....having small children and babies point and laugh at me for being too scared of heights...


• falling in love with france, but certainly not with their coffee - wtf? i thought this was where you got THE BEST COFFEE FROM? it tastes like watered down dish water.....


• consuming stupid amounts of baguettes for lunch, crepes for dinner, baguettes for breakfast on the lovely little balcony overlooking the city, crepes for lunch....


• hostel nervousness ... getting to know your fellow co-habs in awkward places, like: the toilet before/after you/them have done a poo, in the shower area which is VERY small and you are both pretty much naked and he has half a wallaby, in the comon room when there are only two of you and the dude that does the dishes is staring at both of you expectantly, waiting for you to entertain him...


• booking a train to rome via the internet - possibly one of the hardest things i have ever done in my whole entire life


• meeting american soliders who did not believe we were australian, who INSISTED we were british and who have a penchant for 17yr old girls.


• having an american solider almost break down the door when i was mid-pee because he needed to pee and he had no manners so he decided to be a complete arse and scare the crap out of me soo much that i peed on my leg...arsehole


• freezing our arses off by the river sienne, but thoroughly enjoying getting phuenomia, because we were taken under the wings by the most awesome french kids ever.


• going french bar hopping and avoiding drink spiking


• having a number of anxiety attacks on public transport and almost being crushed to death by metro rush hour foot traffic.

so, as you can see we have been having a great time. we just arrived in rome and have spent the last 1.5 hrs searching desperatley for a laundry to wash our clothes because france didn't seem to have any laundry mats.
no one speaks english here ------NO ONE! its kinda awesome because it makes you want to learn how to speak italian....but also, it is kinda crap because i have realised that the world we have landed ourselves in now is this gigantic karmic land for me...after saying out loud too many times, that people should at least learn english before holidaying in australia, i have experienced in the short time i have been here much hostility in return for only knowing bonjourno principessa!

it has been quite interesting being here though. everyone just kinda stares at us. not just a normal stare...but like a omg stare, you know? its kinda annoying.

anyhoo, i scored a really cheap awesome b and b over the net. we are staying with this wonderful lady, susanna. i think that perhaps susanna used to be a performer, very popular with the men, has scammed one or two and now takes the easy road in life because she can and because she deserves to. her eyebrows are painted black and arched high, whilst her smile is a shocking red, but cheeks are soothing pink.

i have decided to adopt her as my second mother.

the train ride from france to italy was amaaaaaazing. we landed this carriage with three guys and some asian bird who ate TOO LOUDLY. no one in our compartment knew how to smile or even pretended to want to smile. we quickly got the fark out of there, made new friends down the carriage, but were then interupted by an abrupt stop.

there was a train with bombs and explosives that was stopped because the bombs and explosives were not packed properly...this enabled us to make friends with the dudes that worked on the train, we got a little drunk with them and they ended up giving us our own carriage.

so anyhoo, the plans for tonight are to book some tours, eat some pizza and try get some tickets for the ballet.

oh, and to try not to get mugged.

peace

from the tea-highlands of malaysia

personal philosophy...clothing optional...


right now i'm sitting in... pretty much, the world's best backpackers EVER.
situated high upon the mountains, overlooking lushes tea fields, whilst switzerland style architecture boarders the town. YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM strawberry fields flow freely, as does the chai from all the indian food vendors....oh yes....i have found the heaven area and i am thoroughly enjoying it...!

Yes it is heaven, but not with angels dressed in white, gently fluttering their wings about wildly....the only angel we have met was dressed in gardening attire, gum boots equipped with a big mouldy tooth smile.

We now successfully know how to:

• construct a special bag to produce roots from branches of plants



• prepare camila's for replanting



• make flowers change colour



• and of course.........run like hell from pet garden snakes

All of the above and more and i still can't remember his name....typical.

so...nutshell:

we arrived in malaysia greeted with wild humidity and big curious stares......after the advice from the (lovely?) muslim lady on the INFORMATION DESK who seemed EXCEPTIONALLY annoyed at being interupted whilst online shopping for a new handbag, we were advised to catch a bus to KL central. It would take one hour and of course, true to form it took EXACTLY.....ONE HOUR!

awesome....we were off to a great start...until of course the next advice was to catch a train to the suburb our Hotel was situated in. which took us BACK to the airport almost and had to catch a cab to the hotel....

So...just putting a travel tip out there...
when two lady-lovers are travelling in one of the BIGGEST Muslim countries in the world, it is best not to book accomodation in THE LARGEST MUSLIM SUBURB EVER CREATED SINCE MECCA
It's a crime to be gay in malaysia - you can totally end up in jail. i swear to you, i am really suprised i have not been arrested for looking like a lesbo (as i have not been DOING anything in public to warrent BEING a lesbo)
anyhoo, we got out of that place pretty farken quickly...the lesson in all of this is: when booking awesome cheap hotels on the internet make sure YOU do it and check the location map (not your gf)

a-hem...

so of course we end up in China town the next morning, waiting for a bus to take us to one of the amazing jungles, Teman Negara.
walking around the market stalls we spied laksa, pork butchers, cat butchers and of course, wobbly rice vendors.
hopping on board our bus with a few others we quickly... QUICKLY ...Q U I C K L Y.....did i say quickly?????? took off en route to TN

when i do these tour group things i like to quickly asses the other people on tour before they let me know where they come from, what they do, etc. i was pretty close on this one.
i assessed our tour group like this:
Team England : featuring an ex wrestler and his girlfriend
The Indian Family : Rich Mumbai executive who thoroughly enjoyed correcting our tour guide on ALL the information he shared with us, thus resulting in two hours section tours turning into three hour section tours, with wife (who happened to have a penchant for trekking through the jungle in THONGS AND SOCKS) and two kids in tow (whom i am CONVINCED only know one word : BETEL! and they like to point at black or brown things screaming BETEL! all the freakin' time
The Lovely Italian couple who are SO Italian that their accents appear to be fake.
The cezck republic couple who just smile and nod and probably won't talk to anyone ever because they are so excited about being on holiday that they have literally forgotten howe to speak and when you speak to them they look at you with wild excited eyes, nodding fiercly into your face area.....proven true, thank you very much!
and of course...Holland. A 21 yr old who just got in from thailand, almost got busted with drugs and executed, who thinks it's ok to get busted with drugs and use the excuse made famous by chapelle, stating "but i had no idea it was there! that is noooooooooot mine!"...pretty much your token back packer.

so we made for an exceptional team.

The stand out parts of TN are as follows:

trying to get the Mini Mart lady to like me - to no avail...online gambling addiction, forced to skip out on hands everytime we or anyone else came into the shop...this friendship was never going to happen...

"Shooting" the rapids - which entailed being powered through wild rapids in a pretty farkend ricketey boat with 15 other people...i am still suprised i did not shit my pants. i definately pee'd them though.

Not dying up that freakin jungle hike

Our Tour leader explaing everything like this: "our tribe is one thousand one thousand years old. you know one thousand, one million one million years. everyone has different job in jungle. one man he hunts the deer. another woman she gets the fish, other person gets the food from the shop, they are real jungle tribe...our tribe is one thousand one thousand years old. you know one thousand, one million one million years. everyone has different job in jungle. one man he hunts the deer. another woman she gets the fish, other person gets the food from the shop, they are real jungle tribe...our tribe is one thousand one thousand years old. you know one thousand, one million one million years. everyone has different job in jungle. one man he hunts the deer. another woman she gets the fish, other person gets the food from the shop, they are real jungle tribe...our tribe is one thousand one thousand years old. you know one thousand, one million one million years. everyone has different job in jungle. one man he hunts the deer. another woman she gets the fish, other person gets the food from the shop, they are real jungle tribe..."
(it's a wonder i did not kill him....or myself)

other highlights include:
eating omlette at EVERY SINGLE FARKEN MEAL - i mean, i was and am still in omlete heaven and i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it

Seeing two lesbian cats court each other, with the explanation of: because being gay is illegal in malaysia, our animals become gay. to which i responded, is it because of all the sexual tension which is being transmitted into the atmosphere in this particular part of the world, then because of the way of the natural world, the animals are picking up on these vibes and acting them out....silence as a response...

using squat toilets...and wait for it...(finally) learning how to position myself nicely so i DON'T pee on ma feets!

surviving all of the bus trips we have been on. i seriously believe the bus drivers work on a commission basis. if they bring the guests to the drop off points earlier they make a commission on whatever crap the dumb tourists buy before they jump on their transfers......at least if this is NOT the case, i will make it an option should i ever start up my bus transfer/tour company


other things have excited me and really struck out at me as "great accomplishments whilst on holiday - or at least this particular holiday"
successfully farting discreetly on aeroplanes (having competitions with your girlfriend whilst trying to not act gay is a lot of fun. i really can't express it enough.

trying to decide on which cosmetic item is more beneficial and or useful:
the bronzer or the tinted moisturiser (which by the way i could not decide on, so i am waiting to dream about the ultimate cosmetic fight of all time (MMA style) to decide for me...

trying to figure out what the fuck possess people to stand up as SOON AS THE PLANE LANDS..........

it's the simple things.

so, we are off to France at 1am tomozza and will spend 5 days there, eating french things, whilst drinking french things at the same time. how stupidly romantic. we shall spend the mad scientists' birthday there and be loud and proud lesbos (after not being able to express any emotion in public to each other for close to six days...)
we are more than likely going to do the road trip from france through to croatia, stopping randomly to stretch the limbs and explore the lands before us.

things i am looking forward to achieving in the next day, (whilst in this country):
successfully completing the muslim poo (washing of one's bum with the left hand NO TOILET PEE PEE YO)

*please excuse my spelling mistakes.....it is too painful to wait for the spell check to auto-correct*